My Hair Loss Exposed

      I am open about my hair loss due to PCOS. I used to have thick curly hair. I now have about a quarter of what I used to have. I tried to make my long hair last as long as I could but one day, I just could not look at the hair in my hands any more. I called my hair stylist, a trusted friend, who worked her magic and gave me my signature pixie cut.  

That was about 3 years ago. Since that time I have tried products to help my hair grow;

     I tried Rogaine for a year.  What a pain in the ass. Twice a day I had to put this liquid on my head and pray that it didn't run into my face or down my neck. With my hair being as thin as it is, any liquid on my head destroys my style and until I wash my hair there is no saving it.  I hated this stuff. It did nothing but remind me that my hair is falling out and I have no control over it. That purple bottle embarrassed me every day.  I was petrified of going bald. I still am.  When my supply was used up I didn't get more. In the year I used it nothing changed so I saved my money. 









     The next year I tried the Keranique Hair Care line. Nothing.  I used it religiously everyday for a year. I followed the directions to the letter. Nothing. I used the styling products that came with it. I used the scalp goo that is made to speed up the growth. Nothing. My scalp enjoyed the nice tingling feeling. That tingling feeling that makes you think something is happening. When I reached the end of the bottles my heart sank, this product was not my miracle cure. 







     After two years with no luck and a continuing loss of hair, I gave up on products to rub on my head.  I also decided I would try a wig during the goo experiments. I missed my long hair. I purchased a long layered wig that looked close to my old hair style. I wore it all day feeling pretty again.  When I got home I was overcome with embarrassment and ran into the bedroom and would not let my husband see me.  I eventually came out, tears streaming down my face.  Somewhere I had lost my feeling of pretty and just felt awkward. After a good ugly cry I concluded that I liked myself better with short hair.  The wig turned into therapy for making peace with my new look. The nonreturnable wig sits in my closet. It has been a long time since I have put it on. I use it for costumes and that is all. 

     
     The worst part about losing my hair is not losing the length; it is being able to see my scalp. Wind is not my friend. It would take me some time to perfect my style with products to cover my scalp, only to go outside and have it windblown to hell. I used to be incredibly self conscious until I found a Joan Rivers product.  This powder saved me. I randomly found it on QVC while channel surfing one day. I saw Joan Rivers and stopped, thinking What in the heck is she peddling on TV? I was meant to see her that day. This product covers my scalp, does not come off until I shampoo my hair (not even on my pillow case!!), and looks natural. I no longer obsess about my hair because with this powder I don't see my scalp.  

     My fear was having brown lines running down my face at the gym. Nope. I workout hard. I work up the sweat to prove it and have never once had the powder come off!! It's amazing I use it to fill in my eyebrows now.  It's about $45 and lasts me 2 months. WORTH EVERY PENNY!! 

     Most days I have made peace with my hair's fate. Since changing my diet and eating for my PCOS the hair lose has slowed down. On the days I cry and curse my hair I let myself get mad and cry. I feel better afterward. I am allowed to be angry; however I will not let myself stew in it.  I talk openly about it without shame. I am not able to control this, why should I be ashamed of it? 

     I was caught off guard when this picture popped up from the event I went to Monday night to promote my blog. My first reaction was embarrassment. I thought I would die. I wanted to contact the photographer and beg to have the picture taken down. I felt humiliated by my exposed scalp. I was mad at myself for not catching it before I left home. At first.

     I stared at myself in this picture. I stared at my truth. Before I could build up hateful inner monologue I made myself make a list of everything that is awesome about this picture. There is an educated driven woman in this picture. I am promoting my blog to spread awareness of PCOS and promote body positivity. For me to go out, by myself, and talk to strangers is not something I used to do. My passion overpowered my anxiety and I am extremely proud of myself for that.  I must practice what I preach; self love, kindness, and acceptance of what I cannot change.