Be Stronger A Little Longer

I ignored persistent back pain, brushing it off as something that would go away, for well over a year. I mentioned my pain here and there in Instagram captions, talking about strengthening my spine and working through pain. At one point I even bought an inversion table and then later a yoga wheel, desperately seeking relief. Recently I have found my spinal mobility lessening and chronic pain, soreness, and stiffness my new normal. My quality of life was diminishing and so, hands in the air begging for mercy, I finally called my doctor. 

I'm in the middle of figuring out what is wrong with my body.  My doctor has unleashed the test administrators and it's my job to be the diligent student. I am checking off tests as quickly as I am able. I do not have a diagnoses yet, though I have been validated that something is wrong.  This is both a relief and a source of stress. 

My body is betraying me again. I already spent 16 months of my life healing from life changing obstacles. I have already walked this road. I thought I was done. Last year was hard, really f*#$ing hard and, somehow, I managed to emerge the best version of myself to date. Can we just leave it at that? Do I really have to prove I'm indestructible again?! 

I have overcome a great deal in the past few years. 2017 saw the end of the war with my body, the overcoming bulimia and disordered eating. In 2018 I took on hearing loss, the end of my training for the fire department, and persistent suicidal thoughts. 2019 was supposed to be the year I picked myself up and road off into the sunset of victory and personal growth. That is, however, not how the universe saw this playing out… apparently my journey to a new self isn't over yet. 

I have to be stronger a little longer. I have to make peace with these curve balls life likes to chuck at me, often apparently. My emotions are all over the place and while waiting for answers I have to live life. It took me several days to come up with how I am going to process this new chapter. I insist on finding the positive in every situation, it's the only way I know how to stay sane. It may take me some time to figure the bright side out but I always get there. Today I had my positive breakthroughs.

My Positives: 

1. I appreciate the universe allowing me to overcome one obstacle at a time. If I had been slammed with too much, after my struggles with depression, I don't think I would be standing today. 

2. I have become very in-tune with myself and my body over the past year. This is a powerful ability. To be able to hear my body and understand (to a certain extent) what it needs puts me several steps ahead. 

3. I turned to yoga as a form of self-care and now, when I need it more than ever, I do not have to start from scratch. I have a yoga practice that is part of my daily routine. Some adjustments to encourage spinal health are easy tweaks. 

4. Thankfully I am no longer at war with my body and,  while I have to physically slow down (hopefully just temporarily), I am not fighting diet culture demons screaming in my head. I can slow down and be at peace. (This might be the greatest positive of them all!)

While I take more tests and doctors figure out what is going on with me, I do it at peace. What is to be will be and I will continue to do my very best to live my best life. I needed a couple of days off social media while I let the roller coaster of emotions do what it does and now I am clear headed and able to continue on. I acknowledged I needed a break and gave myself one! (HUGE victory!!) I'll update when I have answers and in the meantime it will be back to business as usual, just a little slower and a bit more grumbling about being in pain. 

**Update September 25th, 2019**

I have completed all the tests I need in order to obtain a diagnoses; four MRI's, nerve and brain testing, and a spinal tap. I could potentially be waiting until early November for answers. All we know is I have white patches on my brain resulting in my brain sending destructive signals to my nerves. I have been given medication that is controlling my pain and gifted me much of my daily life back. I still have struggles and I take them on one day at a time. I will be keeping everyone updated when answers come in, no more secrets.