Conversation with My Bully

     Facebook has made it so that people do not slip away from us. We may not continue to have deep relationships with some people but we can always check in and see how life has treated them.  I have typed in names of people I have known at all times in my life. Elementary school friends to old colleagues.  One night I decided to look up my elementary school bully, just to see what became of the boy who tortured me in school. It didn't take very long to find him. I sat staring at his profile picture. His picture brought with it memories I had filed deep in the back of my brain.  I decided to message him so that I could let the fat girl in me have her moment of glory and ensure that he saw what a gorgeous woman I grew up to be.  

     A small back story to help paint the picture of my elementary school experience; I went to a small town school in South Jersey. From kindergarten to 8th grade the school's total student population may have been 75 kids.  I was one of 2 "fat" kids and my bully was the only African American in the school. Life was very different for the two of us. 

     The following is the conversation that took place via Facebook. The impact this moment had on me laid to rest the sad, angry little girl who felt like her childhood was taken away by a cruel bully.  I have not edited the text in any way. This is a direct cut and paste.  My original message to him ended up not being apart of the messages between us. I don't remember what I wrote to start the conversation.  (Names have been removed to protect the privacy of those involved.) 

Bully: yea its me wow i used to pick on u a lot..i never forgot all that.

Me: Yea, I never forgot it either but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. There has to be that one kid that gets picked on in every class, it's tradition. At least now no one picks on me anymore You know what I remember most? I remember 4th grade when you didn't pick on me and we were really good friends. 5th and 6th grade changed all that but when you're nice you were a good friend. 

You have to love Facebook...who knew I would find you of all people...

Bully: all i said was wowwwwwwww...i used to talk about u all the time...like yo it was a girl i picked on all the time i was so mean to her...but as i thought about..you were my scapegoat to draw attention away from me..i was the only black thing in there..it was wierd for me cause i was real bad b4 i came there..i want to appologize but i believe shit like that builds chracter n happens for a reason...i used to think ur soul haunted me with bad luck..i do regret it...you looking good now tho.

Me: You can take some credit for who I am today. You made me stronger because I had to find an inner strength in myself to not let you completely kill my spirit. I had self esteem issues for years, but now...I'm OK. Just as you said, things happen for a reason and like I said every school has to have that one kid that gets picked on. I'm OK with it having been me because I was strong enough to take it and grow from it. I'm a tough lady now

Thank you for saying sorry. It means a lot to the little fat girl in me. I understand needing to put attention anywhere else but on yourself. We had more in common than we knew as kids.

I'm glad to have had the opportunity to talk about it. It's not often people have the chance to say sorry for things they did some many years ago. I have no hard feelings, and only wish the best for you! So no more bad luck!!

P.S. Thanks for the compliment, coming from you it means a lot!

This brief conversation enlightened and healed me. It does not make it right but even the bully had his reasons why he behaved the way he did. I am proud of the woman I grew up to be. I worked hard to become her, to keep my head up, even when I had people around me taking joy in trying to push me down. A long time ago I was told that the greatest revenge in life is to be successful. I held on to that and made it my mantra. I was not beat down, I did not give up, and from those lessons I became who I am today. My past has given me purpose.

Verily Changed Everything

     When I decided to take control of how I felt about my body, I had to consider what was causing me to feel bad about it in the first place.  While pondering this thought my eyes kept glossing over the latest cover of “Cosmo” that had arrived in the mail. Then it happened - my lighting bolt moment - the magazines I read!! Duh!! I allow myself to be subjected to Photoshopped bodies and wonder why when I look in the mirror I'm not always happy.  I knew what I had to do.

     I took control and purged my house of every Photoshopped magazine I had. The recycling bin was filled with “Cosmo”, “Shape”, and “Marie Claire”.  I was a woman on a mission. No more lies! No more guilt! Good-bye! Immediately I felt better. I felt empowered. I'm not stupid. I know the images are altered - why was I comparing myself to these illusions? Not anymore.

     I had resigned to never reading another magazine again until I found out about "Verily magazine."

The following is taken from the website: 

OUR PHOTOSHOP POLICY

Whereas other magazines photoshop to achieve the “ideal” body type or leave a maximum of three wrinkles, we never alter the body or face structure of our models with Photoshop. We firmly believe that the unique features of women — be it crows feet, freckles, or a less-than-rock-hard body — contribute to their beauty and therefore don’t need to be removed or changed.

Verily is a new kind of women’s magazine: one that celebrates the best of who you are. We feature fashion that is worthy of the woman, relationship articles that go beyond sex tips, and strong cultural and lifestyle journalism. Verily is the modern woman’s go-to guide on how                                                to lead a fulfilling, integrated life.

   Finally a publication for strong, empowered women!! Am I worried about the '10 Things He's Thinking About in Bed'? No. I'm a married woman looking to enhance my soul, my relationships, and my mind.  I want to love what I see in the mirror. I want to embrace my curves.  I want to love my face, laugh lines included. “Verily” takes me seriously as a woman, imperfections and all! 

   

  I want to get this magazine into the hands of every high school and college girl. The message of sex, sex, sex, is shoved in front of young minds every day, and we wonder why our youth is focused on the physical and not the intellectual.  This is a magazine I am proud to have on my coffee table. I do not have to hide the cover of it from my nine year old son. I want to raise him to be the kind of man that loves a woman for WHO she is and not the package she comes in. That message starts with me. I have taken away the images that objective women and replaced them with images of smiling real women.  

   We can take charge of the images we are subjected too. We do not have to look at Photoshopped models. The more we spread the message that there are alternatives that enhance our lives, the stronger the message will be to main stream media.  It is time we take back our mental health and STOP subjecting ourselves to lies that breed self hate and poor body image. 

     “Verily Magazine” can be found at Barnes and Nobles and a subscription can be purchased on the website. Indulge yourself!

**UPDATE** Verily is no longer a published magazine. It is only available online. 

Spread the Word Contest

Spread the Word Contest

     One of the tricks I learned to help maintain my weight loss was learning not to turn to food for comfort or to reward myself.  I chose pampering my body with lotions, soaps, and oils instead. I fell in love with The Body Shop years ago. I love not only the quality of their products but also the morals of the company. They do not test on animals, they trade fairly with other countries, they support self esteem, they care about protecting the planet, and they work to protect human rights.  Why am I telling you this? I am giving away Body Shop products!!

My Spread the Word Contest is back and this time I have pumped it up.  The contest will run for two weeks, until Christmas Eve.  On Christmas Day the winner will be announced! 

Want to treat your body to rich scents and luxurious products? 

Coconut Beautifying Oil, Vanilla Body Butter, Coconut Body Soap

All you have to do is a follow these steps: 

     1. Like this post on New Figure Forward's Facebook wall- This enters you into the contest. Without liking           this post your future likes will not count toward this contest. 
         (You may enter at anytime within the two week period.)

     2. Facebook posts dated December 12th through December 24 are eligible to earn you entries. 

                                             -Every 'like' earns 1 entry. A 'share' will earn 2 entries. A comment earns 3 entries.

                                             -The more likes and shares, the more entries you earn. 

That's it! Simple. The winner will be pulled at random, so get those entries in! 

Good luck to all that participate!! Your support of New Figure Forward keeps the message of empowerment and loving our bodies alive. 

Dare I Say I Have Fans?

Fat Girl Victory

     I had a victory moment. In the grocery store today I happened to see an old boss of mine from 7 years ago. When he knew me I was 300 pounds. He and I where not fans of each other but I was good at what I did so he made peace with me.  The office staff, including him, were always on a diet. I was surrounded by health conscious gym rats and in that time in my life I was not a healthy person.
   
     I tried to fit in. I took diet advice and felt like the office project. It was the first time I joined a gym.  It was the first time I ate protein bars.  I lost a few pounds. Nothing major. When I officially left my job I was relieved to no longer be under the microscope of that office. People would make comments about my lunch, snacks, and beverage choices.  No thank you. Fat shaming does not help anyone, ever.

    Fast forward to 7 years later and 125 pounds smaller. I'm in the store with my son, looking extra cute. I had my hair cut today. I had done my make up and my outfit was rocking. As I come around the corner who do I see across the isle? A man giving me a funny look. I knew right away who he was and could tell my look on his face he was trying to place me. My heart skipped a beat and I told myself to play it cool. I went about my business. He stared, gawked, and did multiple double takes.  I think he figured out who I was.

     I was jumping up and down on the inside. The fat girl in me felt victorious! After 7 years of maintaining my weight loss just about everyone has seen my transformation. Today was a BONUS!! Thank you universe for having it happen on a day I look adorable.

Everything Sounds Better with an Accent

 

Ladies, if you have never heard of Gok Wan, I am thrilled to be the first to introduce you!! He is adorable, British, and all about making women radiate self confidence.

"Fashion expert, award-winning TV presenter, author and all round national treasure, Gok Wan has taken the fashion and TV world by storm and has become one of the UK’s most sought-after entertainers.  He made his mark by giving women the confidence to appreciate their bodies, whatever their size and encouraged women whatever their shape and size to strip for the nation!"

     As women we are our own worst enemy. We judge our bodies harshly. Our inner monologues of “I hate this” and “I hate that” are devastating to our mental health.  It is time we take back our bodies and our minds. Regardless of your size you have every right to love yourself and be loved in return.  

     When I openly point out the flaws I see on my body, my husband looks at me like I am insane. He does not look at my body and judge it. He is not making mental notes of everything I should be fixing. Love does not see size. Did you see that? LOVE DOES NOT SEE SIZE!! So please love yourself!!! 

Super Fun Night Fan

I was apprehensive about “Super Fun Night” with Rebel Wilson.  I am over plot lines that make the plus size character constantly make fun of themselves in order to distract attention from her size. The stereotype that fat equals funny is irritating. I procrastinated watching the show for fear of hating it. Rebel Wilson is adorable, sassy, intelligent, beautiful and I really did not want to see her play the fat fool.

I am caught up on the season thus far and even watch a few episodes twice. Rebel Wilson's character, Kimmy, is endearing and adorable. She's obviously smart, she's a lawyer (fact: Rebel WIlson has a law degree). Yet she is completely lost with herself, growing into womanhood.  I found that very relatable. We want to be comfortable in our skin and blend in with those around us. When we are still in the process of figuring out who we are we can look like asses along the journey.

     I love her girlfriends. They make me miss the bond I had with my close friends from high school.  My friends who would have stood in line with me to get Xena's autograph and remind me to not sport the awkward t-shirt to school. Kimmy's friends are loyal and accepting of each other and their quirks.  They help each other be the best versions of themselves they can be, often encouraging each other to break out from the fear and just do it. It is a nice break from the back stabbing woman characters I see so much of on TV.

     The more I watch the more I do not see the show as a way to poke fun at big girls. I see a woman coming into her own and discovering the woman she is becoming. She is growing out of “girldom” and into womanhood with a few bumps along the way. I think Rebel is a master at combining humor and honesty. Rebel created and writes the show.  She is aware of the fat jokes - she wrote them! I still struggle with humor as the main attribute to a plus size character but she is charming and it works.  The Kimmy character is not the way she is because she is fat; she is spunky, funny, and adorable because that the PERSONALITY she has been given. Fat does not make her funny. Her giggle, facial expressions, and nerdy ways make Kimmy the cute character she is. When I laugh at what she says or does I am not laughing because she is plus size, I'm laughing because the moment was funny. Put in a skinny woman and it still would have been funny.

   

 I have my fingers crossed that the show holds on and does not get canceled. It is refreshing to have women with different figures on a show. I welcome these girls into my living room every week. I am comfortable watching in my pj's, glasses, and with my green face mask. It has become my 30 minutes of pure girl time. I do not compare myself to these women and feel bad about myself. Instead, I laugh and remember the moment I did the same thing.  The show becomes about weight when all anyone can focus on is Rebel's weight. That is not a reflection of her, rather it is a reflection of society’s fear of a strong plus size woman who is not buying into the idea that beauty comes in one size propaganda.