Looking Naked in the Face

My husband and I. 

It's a Saturday night and I am going out with my husband. I have taken my time on my hair and make-up. I have completed the jump dance into my Spanex and I have on my bra that completes my silhouette. My dress is form fitting and looks amazing. I look amazing. I am proud of my reflection. I worked hard to transform into a woman who can look into a mirror and mentally high five myself.  I feel spectacular and I am ready to knock my husband’s socks off and enjoy date night.  Until....

The date is over and we find ourselves back at home. I am now faced with the process of de-sexing myself. There is a moment when I feel sad. The clothes hit the floor and I free myself from my undergarments…this has often times been the end to my confidence.  My body loses its wow factor in my eyes. The pile of clothes at my feet took with it my glamorous body. The reality is my body is scared and will always remind me of the body I once had.  I can point at, poke at, and pinch all the parts of me I wish were different.  

I was frustrated with having changed my body only to end up disliking it more.  My bigger body left my smaller body with empty spaces. A good bra hides the truth until it comes off.  I struggled with feeling like my husband would notice the emptiness and be disappointed.  I used to push him away because I could not handle my own feelings of embarrassment.  I felt ashamed of my stretch marks, extra skin, and emptiness.  

I struggled with feeling sexy and feminine. My body was not the beautiful body I see on TV. I had lost so much of my hair (click here to read about my struggle with PCOS )I had to cut it all off, and my padded bra reminded me daily that I was missing real sexiness.  I hated that I was a lights off woman. A strip and dash under the covers woman. This was not why I lost weight! I wanted to feel confident in my body without clothing.  I had to dig deep and fix what I saw as beautiful. I needed to heal my disappointed body and mind.  I sought out role models to help me learn to embrace my body.  I encourage everyone to find role models for themselves. Who makes you feel good in your skin?

I have been asked why I like Tess Munster. After all, we're two different body types, what could I get out of being her fan? Confidence. That is what Tess Munster gave me.  Confidence to embrace my body the way it is and to treat it with respect. Tess makes no apologies for her body and is rocking the modeling world (hello Italian Vogue!)  Tess embraces her body with such confidence so I thought to myself, why can't I do the same? 

Sexiness is not a body type, or size, or feature; it is an emotion, a feeling, an attitude. Sexiness radiates from the inside and it feeds off confidence. I am always reminding myself to embrace confidence, hold my head high, and remember that being a woman has little to do with body parts or pant size and everything to do with how I live my life and how I see myself.  

Elly Mayday is a young Canadian model who taught me to embrace what I have because we do not have our bodies for long. Things can go wrong with our bodies.  What we have today is not guaranteed for tomorrow.  Elly bravely battled ovarian cancer publicly, inspiring thousands.  She does not hide the scar on her stomach from her surgery to remove her uterus at 25 years old!  When she lost her hair from chemo her bald photos were nothing less than stunning. Her bravery showed me I should be thankful for the hair I have and not let hair be the thing that takes away my sexiness. 

Tess and Elly have been huge contributors to my vow to not give away my self esteem to anyone; I protect how I feel about myself. Eleanor Roosevelt was a brilliant woman and no truer words were spoken; "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  I will not let the photoshopped lies effect how I see my body. We are not stupid and everyone knows the magazine covers are lies, so why do we let them dictate how we feel about our bodies? Not anymore!  

I discovered a project called Under the Red Dress that forever changed that way I will look at my breasts. The ugliness I have felt looking at my breasts after losing 125 pounds crushed my self esteem.  I hated my breasts. I desperately wanted implants.  Then I found Under the Red Dress and quit my bitching on the spot. I learned to be thankful for what I have because my breasts may not be perfect but I am blessed have them! I could no longer hate what so many women sacrifice in order to live. I felt selfish having cursed my body for not being perfect. I am strong, my body does what I ask it too, and I am not the hideous beast I have pictured in my head. 

A room filled with women, all stripped down, we would see how similar our bodies actually are to each other. We all have stretch marks, we all have different shaped breasts, we all have things we can pinch and poke. These are our bodies. Real bodies. Strip down the model or actress on the magazine and we will see that their bodies are actually just like our bodies. They get special lighting, air brush body make-up, and Photoshopping to make them look perfect. However, naked body to naked body we are all cut from the same mold. The mold of imperfect bodies that tell our individual stories.  

I have made peace with my body, most days. I am not perfect and will catch myself critiquing my reflection or pushing my husbands hands away. I stop myself now as quickly as I can. I stop the negative inner monologue. I stop pushing. Someday I will look back on my life and wish that I had loved my body more. I am going to look back and wish I had accepted the touching and love. Someday I will look back and think I was insane for thinking I was anything but stunning.  My body is not my enemy. I will dress it up and showcase it with pride and I will set it free and embrace what nature and my choices have given me.  My body is mine and it is like everyone else on the planet....perfectly imperfect!