Looking Naked in the Face

My husband and I. 

It's a Saturday night and I am going out with my husband. I have taken my time on my hair and make-up. I have completed the jump dance into my Spanex and I have on my bra that completes my silhouette. My dress is form fitting and looks amazing. I look amazing. I am proud of my reflection. I worked hard to transform into a woman who can look into a mirror and mentally high five myself.  I feel spectacular and I am ready to knock my husband’s socks off and enjoy date night.  Until....

The date is over and we find ourselves back at home. I am now faced with the process of de-sexing myself. There is a moment when I feel sad. The clothes hit the floor and I free myself from my undergarments…this has often times been the end to my confidence.  My body loses its wow factor in my eyes. The pile of clothes at my feet took with it my glamorous body. The reality is my body is scared and will always remind me of the body I once had.  I can point at, poke at, and pinch all the parts of me I wish were different.  

I was frustrated with having changed my body only to end up disliking it more.  My bigger body left my smaller body with empty spaces. A good bra hides the truth until it comes off.  I struggled with feeling like my husband would notice the emptiness and be disappointed.  I used to push him away because I could not handle my own feelings of embarrassment.  I felt ashamed of my stretch marks, extra skin, and emptiness.  

I struggled with feeling sexy and feminine. My body was not the beautiful body I see on TV. I had lost so much of my hair (click here to read about my struggle with PCOS )I had to cut it all off, and my padded bra reminded me daily that I was missing real sexiness.  I hated that I was a lights off woman. A strip and dash under the covers woman. This was not why I lost weight! I wanted to feel confident in my body without clothing.  I had to dig deep and fix what I saw as beautiful. I needed to heal my disappointed body and mind.  I sought out role models to help me learn to embrace my body.  I encourage everyone to find role models for themselves. Who makes you feel good in your skin?

I have been asked why I like Tess Munster. After all, we're two different body types, what could I get out of being her fan? Confidence. That is what Tess Munster gave me.  Confidence to embrace my body the way it is and to treat it with respect. Tess makes no apologies for her body and is rocking the modeling world (hello Italian Vogue!)  Tess embraces her body with such confidence so I thought to myself, why can't I do the same? 

Sexiness is not a body type, or size, or feature; it is an emotion, a feeling, an attitude. Sexiness radiates from the inside and it feeds off confidence. I am always reminding myself to embrace confidence, hold my head high, and remember that being a woman has little to do with body parts or pant size and everything to do with how I live my life and how I see myself.  

Elly Mayday is a young Canadian model who taught me to embrace what I have because we do not have our bodies for long. Things can go wrong with our bodies.  What we have today is not guaranteed for tomorrow.  Elly bravely battled ovarian cancer publicly, inspiring thousands.  She does not hide the scar on her stomach from her surgery to remove her uterus at 25 years old!  When she lost her hair from chemo her bald photos were nothing less than stunning. Her bravery showed me I should be thankful for the hair I have and not let hair be the thing that takes away my sexiness. 

Tess and Elly have been huge contributors to my vow to not give away my self esteem to anyone; I protect how I feel about myself. Eleanor Roosevelt was a brilliant woman and no truer words were spoken; "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  I will not let the photoshopped lies effect how I see my body. We are not stupid and everyone knows the magazine covers are lies, so why do we let them dictate how we feel about our bodies? Not anymore!  

I discovered a project called Under the Red Dress that forever changed that way I will look at my breasts. The ugliness I have felt looking at my breasts after losing 125 pounds crushed my self esteem.  I hated my breasts. I desperately wanted implants.  Then I found Under the Red Dress and quit my bitching on the spot. I learned to be thankful for what I have because my breasts may not be perfect but I am blessed have them! I could no longer hate what so many women sacrifice in order to live. I felt selfish having cursed my body for not being perfect. I am strong, my body does what I ask it too, and I am not the hideous beast I have pictured in my head. 

A room filled with women, all stripped down, we would see how similar our bodies actually are to each other. We all have stretch marks, we all have different shaped breasts, we all have things we can pinch and poke. These are our bodies. Real bodies. Strip down the model or actress on the magazine and we will see that their bodies are actually just like our bodies. They get special lighting, air brush body make-up, and Photoshopping to make them look perfect. However, naked body to naked body we are all cut from the same mold. The mold of imperfect bodies that tell our individual stories.  

I have made peace with my body, most days. I am not perfect and will catch myself critiquing my reflection or pushing my husbands hands away. I stop myself now as quickly as I can. I stop the negative inner monologue. I stop pushing. Someday I will look back on my life and wish that I had loved my body more. I am going to look back and wish I had accepted the touching and love. Someday I will look back and think I was insane for thinking I was anything but stunning.  My body is not my enemy. I will dress it up and showcase it with pride and I will set it free and embrace what nature and my choices have given me.  My body is mine and it is like everyone else on the planet....perfectly imperfect! 

Hugging My Hero Tess Munster (Again!)

     When I look around for body positive role models, I often come up short in the modeling/Hollywood world.  The cycle of fad diets promoted by celebrities talk about how much weight they lost or gained, and how a “thin, beautiful body” has taken these women to celebrity level. This leaves me feeling like I am not living up to this imaginary potential.  Enough is enough! No one has the power to make me feel inferior without my consent! (Thank you Eleanor Roosevelt.) Last year I put an end to my own self-esteem bashing. I now recycle all my magazines without opening them. No Photoshopped lies for me thank you. I set out on a mission to find women who help me feel beautiful in my own skin.  This is when I discovered Tess Munster. 

     Tess changed my life. When I first saw pictures of her I was in awe of her beauty; her body size was not a factor to me. She emulates confidence and beauty. I fell in love with her attitude and empowered belief that size has zero to do with someone's sexiness and/or beauty.  When Tess came to Las Vegas last year I went to hug the woman who helped me stop hating my body. Click here to read about my first time meeting Tess Munster.  

     This past Saturday I had the opportunity to see her again. My friend and I stood patiently waiting to have our few minutes to talk with this amazing woman who is breaking down size barriers!  The feeling of being in a room filled with people who all want to be accepted for who they are and are waiting to hug the woman who has helped them embrace their bodies is empowering.  Tess was incredibly gracious to every fan.  

     I was overjoyed that she remembered me. I was on cloud nine when she told me she follows my blog! Yes, Tess Munster follows my blog! I gave her a hug, took pictures, and tried my best to express how much I adore her without being creepy about it. She, as always, was an absolute doll.  

     Tess makes it okay to be the size that makes a person happy. Tess makes it okay to wear what makes a person feel beautiful. Tess makes it okay not to

subject yourself to unattainable beauty standards.  Tess makes it okay to not be perfect. I relate more to her than I do the Victoria Secret models. Tess does not make me feel bad about my body; instead, the confidence she has in herself is contagious and has helped me stand taller and embrace my body, cellulite and all! I am not the only person that feels this way.  Her fans standing in line varied in sizes, shapes, ages, and fashion interests. Tess is appealing to so many because she teaches acceptance of the body just as it is. 

Thank you Tess for giving women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and colors a body positive role model!! 

My 2nd Autographed photo from Tess. They hang in my bedroom as a reminder that ANY size is beautiful!

Bonding Over Curves

     There are moments in life when we are given the opportunity to shake hands, hug, and exchange smiles with someone who has touched our lives in ways they may not know.  My opportunity came on Saturday. Tucked away in a small strip mall in Las Vegas I stood face to face with the woman who has contributed to my growing belief in my own sexiness.  Tess Munster has forever changed not only the way I see my body but also how I treat it.

   
     I'm not sure how I came across this beautiful, inspiring woman; the universe has a way of providing what we need when we need it. I follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and her blog. She is a plus size model, blogger, mom, and positive body activist.  Her pictures are stunning, her blog is honest, and her #effyourbeautystandards is empowering women of all sizes around the globe.  She has changed the lives of women, helping them to embrace their bodies and love themselves.  Tess is not perfect and has had her own struggles with body image issues and is always openly honest about how her life is not perfect. Confidence does not mean that an occasional self doubt thought does not sneak in. The modeling world is not easy, but the plus size modeling world is even more of a war zone.



     There is a misconception about weight loss - that once the weight is gone the life always dreamt about can now unfold.  Confidence will just ooze from the pores and everything life was missing will now magically appear. My experience was not like that at all.  I was, at times, more uncomfortable in my healthy body than I was in my heavy body.  I did not know how to feel comfortable in my skin. I was happy to have lost weight, improve my health, and eliminate obstacles I faced when I was heavier, but I struggled with self-confidence.  I mentioned in another blog post how my past experiences had made me a shy, anti-social person struggling for my mind and body to catch up with each other. Looking at the world through fat girl eyes didn't change when my waistline shrunk.

     I struggled to look at my body; the extra skin, the stretch marks, and the imperfections the body takes with it when it changes size. My insecurity in my body affected how I felt as a woman. Yes, I was smaller. Yes, I could wear all kinds of new clothes. Yes, I have a man that loves me. Yet, I was still waiting to feel sexy, to feel empowered in my new body, to rock what my mama gave me.  That was when the universe introduced me to Tess Munster.  She radiates confidence, sexy, and a love for her curves. I envied her confidence. I envied her sexiness.  I started to follow her on social media and I am happy I did! She has forever changed how I feel about myself.

Matching shoes! <3

 Tess has taught me to take pride in my body. Not be ashamed of my body. To feel sexy in my skin. Since following her I have taken more time in my appearance, slowing down to take pride in myself.  I have stopped evil eyeing my hips - now I embrace them and purchase skinny jeans without fear.  Tess has done for me what I hope to do for others; inspire confidence and self esteem. All bodies are beautiful and we can learn to stop being our own worst enemy and embrace our figures.  We deserve to showcase our love for ourselves.  It is OK to love yourself. It is even OK to rock a strut when we walk.





To Tess,
           Thank you for teaching me that sexy does not have a size requirement. When I look in the mirror, I hold my head higher because I am beautiful.  You are the reason why my oversized tee shirt stays folded in the drawer much more now. Modeling is not easy and it is appreciated by many women that you continue to break down walls and showcase how truly beautiful curves are! The conversation we had will have a special place in my memory bank. Thank you for your insights and optimistic outlook on life. You are a beautiful woman! 
                                                                          
       

My autographed photo is extra special too me. This is one of a series of photos with Tess in lingerie that helped me retire a few oversized, shapeless night wear. Not only do I thank you for helping me discover my own sexy, my husband does too.