Reformed Dieter: Chapter One

Excuse me while I blow the dust off my blog...Has it really been over a year since I have written anything? Wow. I think it's time to go back to basics and relaunch this blog. Let's get caught up, shall we? I have recently made the decision to quit the diet industry. Yes, quit the diet industry. After having spent decades obsessed with my weight and size I have finally said fuck it! Am I going to spend my entire life trying to fit into some sort of deluded media based image of perfection? That seems like a waste of beautiful life if you ask me.

That was my driving force in reclaiming my life from the diet industry, I don't want to waste my life trying to achieve socially acceptable beauty. I found myself relapsing into my eating disorder, bulimia. It only came around every once in awhile so I never allowed myself to admit I had a problem. While I was fighting through this relapse I had the thought of all the conversations over weight, diet tricks, and eating habits I have had over the decades. Truly diet culture has been at the forefront of these conversations.

Weight has been an on going conversation in my life since 4th grade, when I first was placed in the obese category.  Fast forward to age 35 and I am a pro at weight loss. Oh yes, no one knows how to lose weight like I do. How fast do you want to do it? What lengths are you willing to go? What diet fits you? I could answer all those questions! Weight loss became my identity.

The ability to lose weight became my shining achievement. I was placed in a separate social box - the "Successful Dieter" box. Up the ladder I climbed as I seemingly became more successful at weight loss and managed to shrink myself down to a size 4. **autographs later** **No, No, please no pictures** I had reached the dieters Mt. Everest - Skinny! Do you know what's shitty about Mt. Everest? No one can live at the top and it's a long way back down!

So, as I slowly slide back down and gradually put on weight I became desperate to get back to the top. I didn't want to lose my shining achievement. I was going to be pushed off the dieters pedestal, and my fear of failure made me do some desperate dieting tricks. When I crashed at the bottom I crashed hard! It took out my confidence, my self-worth, and my spark. Everything felt like punishment. The joy was gone from daily life and what came in its place was shame and embarrassment. That's what broke me.

I am done with diet culture. I am done with killing myself to look a certain way. I am done with counting, weighing, obsessing, and punishing myself.  The diet industry broke me. I cannot do it any more. I am tired. I am 35 years old. I am done. I just want to be. I want to be whatever my healthy is, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to NEVER live in a diet obsessed world again. **drops mic**

I am currently working with a wellness coach who is helping me find balance, peace, and health in a slow, made for me program. Diet culture is ingrained in me. It is all I know. I do not know how to just be. Food, weight, size, and exercise is the hamster wheel in my head and I'm taking it apart with the help of a great coach.  New Figure Forward is going to continue on as my outlet for the journey that lies ahead. I have begun to use YouTube to capture videos of epiphanies as they happen, Instagram is my daily in the moment posts, and my blog will document the overview of it all.

CLICK HERE to watch my YouTube videos.

Personal evolution is truly a gift. We are not stuck as the same person forever. Yes, I am a changed woman. This once diet crazed woman is turning in her calorie counters, pedometers, scale, and measuring tape. Goodbye diet culture, hello peace of mind and a long glorious life of living healthy!

Bikini of Liberation

     I cannot remember a time when I did not think that my body was wrong. In 4th grade, I was the "fat" kid and began my life of bullies, eating disorders, and self hate. I pushed hard on the door that held my skeletons throughout high school and college: diet pills, binge eating, and bulimia. No one knew the mental beating I gave myself everyday for being "fat". Eventually I found myself at 300 pounds in my mid-twenties. I fought to save myself from feeling trapped in my body. I was living a life that was leading me to an early grave. I successfully lost 125 pounds with Weight Watchers and exercise. I have kept the weight off for seven years and in that time I have been anxiously waiting to finally love my body.  

     I have been waiting for the moment when I would no longer be embarrassed by my wiggles, jiggles, stretch marks, and wings. I have been waiting for seven years. When does that magical moment happen when I will no longer hate the skin I am in? It started to happen two years ago when I began my blog and opened up about my post weight loss frustrations. I could not have predicted the impact on my mental health this would have for me. It was life changing. 

     For the first time in my life I was learning about body positivity. I found other like minded people with the same desire to feel beautiful in their skin. Tess Holliday forever changed how I felt about my body. Her unwavering confidence inspired me to find my own empowerment in my body. I wanted to love myself; stand tall and be the woman the broken girl always hoped she would grow into. It has been a personal healing journey over the past two years. 

     I have set myself free from many beauty standards over the course of healing. I no longer workout only in black pants, I now have some of the loudest pants at the gym. Workout in color! I no longer subject myself to sweaters in summer to cover my arms. I wear shorts without fear or shame. Not only did I buy a bathing suit after having not owned one for over a decade, I wore it in public too! I am not the same woman. Self-love and confidence gave me the power to discover the amazing person the beauty industry beat down and kept down. I am a diet industry drop out! I run on self-love and self-care. 

     I had my biggest liberating moment over vacation this year. I wore a bikini. Yes!! I actually did it!! In public!! I was nervous; in truth I almost freaked out. My husband helped keep me in a positive mind frame and reminded me why I had this goal. I took a deep breath and dropped my cover to the ground. There I was...in my bikini...waiting for something to happen. And then, I felt it. Those butterflies in my stomach grew strong and I used them to fuel my inner badass. I turned those tiny wings in my stomach into wings of freedom out of my back.  Empowered! That is what I felt, the greatest feeling of empowerment and confidence I had ever experienced in my life! 

     Life is too short to constantly wait for self-love. Go out and grab it! Tell that ugly voice in your head to sit down and shut up, we only get one shot at this life and I am going to do it my way! Thank you to every person who encouraged me to kick down the walls of beauty standards. This moment was not just for me but also for every person who holds themselves back from giving themselves the happiness they seek. We are all beautiful right now!! 

I present my unphotoshopped liberating love myself moment in the sun! 

He's my favorite human. 

     

Simply Extraordinary Photo Project: Samantha

Seen Through My Eyes: A Body Positive Photography Project

Beauty is not based on size, shape, measurements, or specific facial structures. Beauty is how we see the world around us; it is how we choose to see those around us. When we see this beauty, we can begin to recognize the beauty within ourselves.Through my camera I hope to inspire moments of feeling beautiful. I hope to capture soulful smiles and heartfelt giggles. I hope to capture confidence, apprehension, strength, weakness, sexiness, modesty, poise, and unruliness. I hope to capture the beauty of the woman in front of me, in all her unique glory. 

Simply Extraordinary Photo Project is my way of giving back to those around me. I treat each portrait as art without the use of Photoshop to change my model. Our bodies are gloriously beautiful as they are, no editing needed. 

Meet Samantha. Samantha is a special model for me. Sam was once a student of mine. I have watched her grow from an adorable middle schooler into a confident college student. I knew I wanted her shoot to be extra special.  I want to give the gift of personal empowerment with every model that stands in front of my camera, and with Sam, it gave additional purpose to the shoot. The person who stood before me was not a little girl, but a young woman beginning her journey as an adult. At a pivotal time in a person's life, I had the opportunity to remind Sam that she is a strong, confident, beautiful woman and I took that opportunity very seriously. 

Samantha and I talked about how she feels about her body on our drive to our photo location. The transition from a girl’s body into a woman's body is mentally challenging. American culture idealizes the thin young body and because of this, anyone who doesn't wear the smaller single number pants sizes feels left out. That message was there when I was 19 and it is still there for current 19 year olds. Sam is a "normal" young lady, in a love/hate relationship with her body. We all are. Regardless of age we, as people, are always in a love/hate relationship with our bodies. Wanting to be perfect and learning to forgive ourselves for not being perfect. Let us remember there is no "perfect" body. 

 Then there is that one thing we wish we could change about ourselves. We all have something. Our “this or that” would be better if they were “this way or that way”. For Sam, it is her hair she wishes was different. Her thick luxurious curly locks are not her favorite feature. They can be unruly and difficult to tame. I adore her hair and made it my mission to highlight it in her shoot. I am in love with results!

This will always be a special shoot for me. To have had the opportunity to photograph a young lady I watched grow up with the purpose of inspiring her to love herself now; that was the greatest gift I could receive. I am honored to be trusted to capture these empowered moments. Sam, you are a natural in front of the camera. Thank you for being a part of my body positive photo project. You will inspire others to embrace their "new" bodies with confidence and pride. 

To the young girls becoming women and finding themselves in changing bodies, this one is for you...

Thank you Sam for participating in my photo project! Your confidence is contagious. 

In your empowered moment you will set other young women free to feel empowered in their beauty. 

Thank you for trusting me to photograph you with love and care. 

If you are in the Las Vegas area and would like to participate in Simply Extraordinary please contact me via email at Alyson@newfigureforward.com. Let me treat you like a model for an hour! 

Simply Extraordinary Photo Project: Liz

Seen Through My Eyes: A Body Positive Photography Project

Beauty is not based on size, shape, measurements, or specific facial structures. Beauty is how we see the world around us; it is how we choose to see those around us. When we see this beauty, we can begin to recognize the beauty within ourselves. Through my camera I hope to inspire moments of feeling beautiful. I hope to capture soulful smiles and heartfelt giggles. I hope to capture confidence, apprehension, strength, weakness, sexiness, modesty, poise, and unruliness. I hope to capture the beauty of the woman in front of me, in all her unique glory. 

Simply Extraordinary Photo Project is my way of giving back to those around me. I treat each portrait as art without the use of Photoshop to change my model. Our bodies are gloriously beautiful as they are, no editing needed. 

Meet Liz. I have known Liz for 8 years. She has a passion for dance and movement and finds her power within her own physical strength and abilities. Her body, like her spirit, thrives on music and movement. Liz let me into her world of beats, rhythm, and harmony between body and mind, and the results are gorgeous photos!  She has a calm peace about her that pops out of these images. 

My time photographing Liz was beautiful. She not only showcased her physical strength with elegance, she also shared her struggles with body image. The desire to be perfect is within all of us, having been brainwashed to believe we are only worthy to love ourselves at a certain size or weight. I sat across from an incredibly beautiful woman, someone to whom many of us is the ideal body image, and I realized she is human too. She struggles with appreciating her beauty, like so many us do. My goal became to capture her essence through my camera, to show her beauty, her inner peace, and her contagious sense of happiness.  

For every woman that sets herself free from her own insecurities, another woman is free as well.  Together we can give each other permission to just be as we are, right now. Live life with passion and purpose and kick society's beauty standards to the curb.  Thank you, Liz, for trusting me to capture your unique beauty.

Thank you Liz for participating in my photo project! You radiate peace and strength. In your empowered moment you will set other women free to feel empowered in their beauty. 

Thank you for trusting me to photograph you with love and care. 

If you are in the Las Vegas area and would like to participate in Simply Extraordinary please contact me via email at Alyson@newfigureforward.com. Let me treat you like a model for an hour! 

Simply Extraordinary Photo Project: Jacie

Seen Through My Eyes: A Body Positive Photography Project

Beauty is not based on size, shape, measurements, or specific facial structures. Beauty is how we see the world around us; it is how we choose to see those around us. When we see this beauty, we can begin to recognize the beauty within ourselves. Through my camera I hope to inspire moments of feeling beautiful. I hope to capture soulful smiles and heartfelt giggles. I hope to capture confidence, apprehension, strength, weakness, sexiness, modesty, poise, and unruliness. I hope to capture the beauty of the woman in front of me, in all her unique glory. 

Simply Extraordinary Photo Project is my way of giving back to those around me. I treat each portrait as art without the use of Photoshop to change my model. Our bodies are gloriously beautiful as they are, no editing needed. 

Meet Jacie. She is a friend I made at the gym. Jacie and I met at a local coffee shop before the photo shoot so we could spend a few minutes getting to know each other better. I sat across from an incredibly strong woman. A woman who has things to do for those around her that only she can do. Jacie radiates patience. She has a fantastic laugh.  

I had a blast shooting Jacie at a local park. I watched her blossom in front of my lense. Jacie told me after the shoot she was thankful she didn't cancel on me; she had fun working with me. Soon into the shoot she forgot to think about her bra strap or her pose and she just let herself be for an hour. We had talked about how she hides in pictures or is taking them. She explained how a full body shot made her uncomfortable but that she was willing to let me do it. It is clear to see that Jacie oozes confidence in her shots and she is not hiding behind anything. 

I enjoyed every minute of working with Jacie. Her photos are gorgeous, they just pop!    

Thank you Jacie for participating in my photo project! You radiate confidence and strength. In your empowered moment you will set other women free from hiding in or from pictures. Thank you for trusting me to photograph you with love and care. 

If you are in the Las Vegas area and would like to participate in Simply Extraordinary please contact me via email at Alyson@newfigureforward.com. Let me treat you like a model for an hour! 

Simply Extraordinary Photo Project: MarCia

Seen Through My Eyes: A Body Positive Photography Project

Beauty is not based on size, shape, measurements, or specific facial structures. Beauty is how we see the world around us; it is how we choose to see those around us. When we see this beauty, we can begin to recognize the beauty within ourselves. Through my camera I hope to inspire moments of feeling beautiful. I hope to capture soulful smiles and heartfelt giggles. I hope to capture confidence, apprehension, strength, weakness, sexiness, modesty, poise, and unruliness. I hope to capture the beauty of the woman in front of me, in all her unique glory. 

Simply Extraordinary Photo Project is my way of giving back to those around me. I treat each portrait as art without the use of Photoshop to change my model. Our bodies are gloriously beautiful as they are, no editing needed. 

Meet MarCia. She is a friend I made at the gym. I have watch her on her journey to find her healthy and she is inspiring. Always full of laughs and encouraging words, I look forward to my classes with her. I am honored to not only have captured her bright light for life but to have also gotten to know her better on a personal level. 

If you are in the Las Vegas area and would like to participate in Simply Extraordinary please contact me via email at Alyson@newfigureforward.com. Let me treat you like a model for an hour or two! 

Seen Through My Eyes: A Body Positive Photography Project

     I love art. I am an artist. I write. I draw. I paint. I craft. I take pictures. That last one, take pictures, is my favorite. I wanted a way to combine my passion for body positivity and my camera lens.  Armed with my list of wants: I want a way to impact women around me, I want to pass along a feeling of empowerment and personal pride, I want to give an hour or two of my time to make someone feel like art, I started dreaming and that dream has been brought to fruition, I have officially begun my photography project entitled Simply Extraordinary.

     Simply Extraordinary is the idea, the spark, that ignited the artist in me. I, myself, am tired of seeing over-Photoshopped models. These visual lies that only perpetuate one type of beauty, skinny and flawless. Enough! This time I am taking matters into my own hands, I am creating art without erasing the human. I don't believe in flawless. I don't believe in perfection. I do believe in us empowering each other to feel incredible in our bodies. I do not use Photoshop for the purpose of erasing the natural human body. I use Photoshop to enhance the photo into my artistic vision. 

     Beauty is not based on size, shape, measurements, or specific facial structures. Beauty is how we see the world around us; it is how we choose to see those around us. When we see this beauty, we can begin to recognize the beauty within ourselves. Through my camera I hope to inspire moments of feeling beautiful. I hope to capture soulful smiles and heartfelt giggles. I hope to capture confidence, apprehension, strength, weakness, sexiness, modesty, poise, and unruliness. I hope to capture the beauty of the woman in front of me, in all her unique glory. 

I am proud to present my first model for Simply Extraordinary....
I am honored to begin this photographic journey with a great friend. 
Jacki, thank you for the laugher and lesson on power pose! 

If you are in the Las Vegas area and would like to participate in Simply Extraordinary please contact me via email at Alyson@newfigureforward.com. Let me treat you like a model for an hour or two! 

A Commercial for Empowerment

This is hands down the GREATEST commercial I have EVER seen!! 

The U.K. is leaps and bounds ahead of the U.S. and we need to catch up! Every women and teenage girl I know needs to see this video! Pass it on. 

I am right, huh? This is amazing!! Check out other great videos here and share with your friends and family. 

LOVE IT!!

6,500 Followers GIVEAWAY!

We are going celebrate 6,500 with a bag!

     I want to celebrate reaching 6,500 people by spreading the message of self love and body positive thoughts. We are worth more than the sum of our parts or the number on the scale. To celebrate this goal I am hosting a bag giveaway! Take a body positive message with you and spread the word. 

     The contest winner will be determined by activity on the Facebook page and New Figure Forward blog page. The more you help to spread messages of body positive and self love the more entries you will receive and the more smiles you will help pass on. 

     The top 5 active fans will be entered into a drawing. From the top 5 I am going to pick one awesome fan to choose the bag of their choice! 

The contest will run from Tuesday May 19th-Tuesday May 26th.

Here is how to enter:

1. Like this post on Facebook page and comment "Spread the Love"

    -This is key! Only the people who follow this step will be entered.

2. Over the next week the more you like, share, and comment on ANY post(s) the more entries you will receive. 

-Old or new posts. I encourage people to explore my blog and Facebook page for inspiring articles and messages and share them with friends and family. Help spread empowerment and self love! 

3. Share my Facebook page and encouraging your friends and family to become fans. For every person that leaves a comment saying you sent them, you will earn 5 more entries. 

Might be my favorite!

That is it! The top 5 participates will be entered into the drawing for the bag of their choice. My goal is to reach as many people as I can in 2015 with the body positive healthy living message and I need my fans to carry out my master plan. 

I want to lift women up into greatness, for greatness has no size requirement! 

I wish I could hug all of my fans! Good luck to all that join me on spreading body positivity this week! Thank you for the support of New Figure Forward! 

Depression Tried. I'm Still Here!

      I struggle with depression. Depression is not easy to talk about. There is a stigma to it which can bring on shame. I was first diagnosed with depression in high school; however I know I struggled at an earlier age. I have experienced dark times over the years. I have closed myself off as a way to hope the world would forget me and my sadness would not affect those around me. I sought medical help.  For several years now, the majority of the time I have a handle on it. I eat right, I exercise, and I removed negative energy out of my life (where I could). I still have bumps in the road, however, it has been decades since I was plunged into the darkness. The clock starts over; I survived my summer of darkness.

     Skipping the personal details, the best description I can give is my world, my snow globe, was shaken. Hard. I found myself lost and ashamed. I found myself resorting back to old habits for comfort. I started gaining weight - fast. That plunged me even further into despair. When I had to buy bigger size pants this summer I found myself on the dressing room floor in tears. Not only was I struggling with events around me, but now I found I was not able to take care of myself. 

     

     I shut down. I stopped answering my phone, my blog slowed down, and I hid away as much as I could. The stress that started the spiral downward was getting better though the damage I had done to myself was not. I became unable to fit into my clothes. This hurt the most. I could hear things people said to me after I lost my weight; "If you gain weight again your husband will leave you," "If you gain weight no one will like you." Yes, these are things a few people in my life thought were appropriate to say to me and that's all I could hear in my head. I felt like I had failed, I blog about health and here I had tossed mine to the side. 

Wouldn't let depression win! 

     

     I did my damnedest to shake the 

depression off. I still put on my bathing suit and I swam in a pool with my son for the first time ever. I did not hate my body and even if my clothes do not fit, it was not my body's fault. I stopped eating healthy and exercising. I started sneaking junk food. I pushed my husband, who only wanted me to feel better, to take us to Sonic for shakes. I ate my way through my depression all summer long. When school started I had gained close to 

30 pounds in 3 months! 

     30 pounds in 3 months is a hard reality and one that I was not sure I should share. After all, my blog started as a way to discuss the afterlife of weight loss and here I had gained weight! My blog may have started out that way; however it has evolved into a body positive blog, fighting for the freedom to love our bodies just the way they are. It turns out that includes my body, even when I am not taking care of it. 

     The reality is that life happens and hard times will shake all our snow globes at some point in our lives. It is unrealistic to think we will be able to maintain our comfort zones forever. This is why I am sharing my story. I am not perfect. I ran screaming from the wagon and didn't look back. I ate my way into a bigger size, I had maintained my size for 7 years, putting on a bigger pair of pants felt like a punch to the gut. However, I have learned that the wagon is never going so fast that we cannot catch up to it and get back on. My skies are brighter and the darkness is fading. I am human and I will make mistakes. I am human and I will learn. I am human and I will get better.  

My soul's smile when a friend understood. 

      I opened up to a few friends and realized that I am not alone. For every person who hugged me and understood my tears I thank you. It is because of these souls that I share this with my readers. If you find yourself struggling, remember that it will not last forever and it is ok to talk about it. We tend to feel we are the only ones struggling and we are not. I did not fail because I gained weight. I did not fail because I stopped caring for myself. I failed because I suffered in silence for too long. Had I swallowed my shame and confided in a friend much sooner it may not have taken so long to recover. 

     It has been a few weeks now of slowly getting back into a routine of health.  I am finding myself again. I have returned to my gym classes, cleaned up my eating, and forgave myself. I will be my own best friend in this recovery process to getting back to my healthy. In the meantime I have to be patient as the weight comes off. I have to stand proud regardless of my pant size for greatness has no size requirement! To my readers, I will be honest with you along my journey and celebrate the good things. For example, today was the first day in three months that I ran and I felt like a million bucks! I'm still here! Maybe a little slower, maybe my gym clothes are a little tighter, but I'm still here!

Breast Therapy

I have struggled with body acceptance since my weight loss.  I wrote about how I felt about my body in Looking Naked in the Face. I have gained empowerment with my body and have learned to embrace it with love and kindness. That being said, let's face it. No one is perfect.  My breasts still effect my self esteem.  Luckily, I'm not showing my breasts to anyone expect my husband and a good bra hides what I don't have.  Did I ever foresee myself in a room with several other women topless? Nope, yet that day came this past Friday.

Photo courtesy of  LV Burlesque Studio

A friend of mine invited me to take a tassel twirling class at a burlesque studio. I had to think about it. Tassel twirling meant being topless, no push up bra, no hiding. This terrified me, but ultimately I said yes. Breast therapy. I'm going to set the girls free and embrace what I have while learning a few tricks. If ever there was a time to face my fear, this was it. Plus, knowing I had a trusted friend with me could keep me strong.


My fear was being surrounded by women with perfect breasts and then there would be me with my not so perfect breasts standing out.  I could not have been more wrong. I was relieved to see women of all sizes, ages, and breast sizes.  I wrote in "Looking Naked in the Face":

     A room filled with women, all stripped down, we would see how similar our bodies actually are to each other. We all have stretch marks, we all have different shaped breasts, we all have things we can pinch and poke. These are our bodies. Real bodies. Strip down the model or actress on the magazine and we will see that their bodies are actually just like our bodies. They get special lighting, air brush body make-up, and Photoshopping to make them look perfect. However, naked body to naked body we are all cut from the same mold. The mold of imperfect bodies that tell our individual stories.  

Photo courtesy of  LV Burlesque Studio

This is unbelievably true!! My classmates for the evening were real women with real bodies. I would have never guessed how liberating and empowering it was to be topless among a group of women.  I felt relief realizing every pair of boobs in the room where different; big, small, round, and oval. My boobs did not stand out; instead they blended in! 

Tassels in place, we learned how to twirl them several different ways. Twirling requires jumping, shoulder shimmies, and lots of upper body movement. The girls where flying everywhere and it was so much fun! I was surprised that I was enjoying myself. I was not self conscious about my breasts or my body at all; in fact, I was proud of myself! My breasts handled the tassels like pros, as did all the boobs in the class. I felt sexy. It's hard not to feel sexy in black yoga pants, high heels, and gold tassels. 

Photo courtesy of  LV Burlesque Studio

I walked out of the class loving my breasts! I walked away with confirmation that all women's bodies are different shapes and sizes and they are all beautiful.  I will twirl my tassels with pride knowing that my breasts are more like the "real" women I see everyday - they are mine and they are awesome! 

Thank you Cha-Cha and Las Vegas Burlesque Studio for a fun, body accepting environment that put me at ease and allowed me to open up and embrace my body!