The Power of Music

I am a suicide survivor (click here) and I have a story of hope and magic for anyone who needs it.

I have always been a person that believes in signs and the magic of the universe. Especially in my darkest hour, signs, whatever they maybe, would create teeny tiny sparks of hope. When I needed a giant sign last year, I discovered a song while on a random YouTube clicking spree. Little did I know just how much impact this song would have on my life. This song started out as my life saving anthem and became so much more!

Take a listen:
Alabama Shakes-Hold on
(I cannot begin to describe how incredibly refreshing Brittany Howard is for so many reasons! )

Or read the lyrics: Hold On Lyrics

I listened to this song on repeat from the first moment I heard it. It spoke to my soul. No, it was bigger than that...this song shook my soul. I found a gigantic spark of hope from the song Hold On, my sign from the universe, and I played it ALL THE TIME while putting up the greatest fight of my life. Sometimes Hold On would make me cry a detoxing soul purifying cry, and other times it would send a serge of soul shaking power right to my core. Whichever way my soul heard this song in the moment, when it played it helped me heal. I held on and I am still here! 

Why am I telling you this? 2019 came with an opportunity I could not pass up - a sponsored trip to Israel. Many times while on the trip I reflected on where I was a year ago, drowning in depression and planning to end my life. To then find myself in Israel a year to date later... nothing short of mind blowing. 

That would have been enough, only the universe had one more magic trick up its sleeve. While in Israel, in a small sandwich shop surrounded by beautiful desert I heard my song!!! I heard Hold On!! It sent my brain, heart, and soul into overdrive. I couldn't believe I was hearing Hold On on the other side of the world! After all, I had never even heard the song on the radio back home in Las Vegas! I felt weirdly alone and empowered by love all at the same time. No one in that coffee shop knew what was happening inside my head but I knew the universe could hear my screams of delight and shock. The moment inspired me to share my story with friends I had made on the trip. I've learned to share my journey because you never know who is listening and may need the hope. 

I struggle to put into words how insane that moment was for me. I was reminded that someone/something is aware of our individual journeys and takes an active interest in reminding us that we are not alone and to hold on. Call this entity what you will, I believe someone/something bigger than me wants to see me stay. Maybe, if you are reading this story, this is your sign. Always be open to seeing the signs! That is where the magic of our world lies! 

Surviving My Suicidal Thoughts

Every time I hear of an adult suicide I get very, very scared. It hits close to home. I'm afraid that their story could have been about me. I want to write about this subject yet I have sat on this blog for weeks, constantly questioning if I am doing the right thing by admitting suicidal thoughts. Carrie Fisher once said, "My liabilities are my assets. If you declare something it has less power over you, far less. Say your weak things in a strong voice." Carrie inspires me to grab my mental illness by its balls and show it who's boss. So here goes *In my strong voice* Hi, my name is Alyson, I am 36 years old, I have anxiety and depression, and I experience suicidal thoughts. 

Often we find our sense of hope from strength in others journeys, identifying with the struggle, inspired by the vulnerability and ability to overcome. I am nervous about sharing this dark corner of my closet because there is an unspoken taboo regarding depression and suicide. However, I realize that I HAVE to share my struggle because our society needs help in breaking down the shame of mental illness. People need survival stories, they need to know they are not alone. 

I can remember having suicidal thoughts as far back as elementary school. I remember being taught that suicide is the ultimate sin and that my soul would burn in hell for all eternity. Suicidal thoughts were sent from the devil, he wanted my soul. That's powerful stuff to a kid -  I was terrified of 'burning in hell'.  As I grew older though, the devil felt more like a fairytale villain and I needed something else to help me feel strong against the thoughts. 

My teenage years were volatile and lead to my first experience with planning my own emergency exit. I survived by pure stubborn 'I am not proving any of you douche bags right' mentality. I used to repeat to myself "the greatest revenge is success" and I found strength in my unknown future. Eventually, as a young adult, I accepted suicidal thoughts as part of my being. Always telling myself "here we go again" and succumbing to the roller coaster of the internal struggle and the external chaos. Depression and anxiety, when left to their own devises, are evil life hating forces. Forces that spread to the people around me; my behaviors effected the people I loved in ways I wish I could take back. 

In my 36 years there have been three times my life was in serious jeopardy. Depression and suicidal thoughts beat me down more than the usual expected torture, making me feel like the only way to obtain relief was to end my own life. Three times I had a plan. Three times I stood in front of the emergency exit door, ready to push it open. I AM STILL HERE so that means there were three times I didn't follow through. Three times something inside of me refused to give in. 

The most recent of these time was in January 2018. I got very sick and ended up losing partial hearing in my left ear. Going partially deaf meant I wasn't going to become a firefighter. I was broken and that ended my dream. A dream I had never worked so hard in my life for, it was just...gone. Depression is the ultimate opportunist and my complete loss of purpose made me an easy target. Of course depression doesn't want its victim right away, no, depression likes to play with its food first. Depression gave me a mask to cover the internal hostel take over. I wore this mask every day, playing the role of "ok".

I'm a wife and a mom. I have a life. I have others that count on me. I am supposed to be an adult so I dutifully put on my mask and went through the motions of life. Numb. Everyday an internal beat down. It was exhausting. That's what depression wants - to wear the person down. The weak are easy prey. This is when, what I call the dark hallway, appears. It's long and daunting. There are echoes of screams and crying. The ground is covered with broken glass. This hallway isn't meant to be walked through... that why there is the emergency exit door. I faced that hallway again.

I AM STILL HERE which means I was successful at beating intense suicidal thoughts for the third time. I emerged victorious after months of constant fear. How did I pull myself out this time? I like to think I have evolved past stubborn mentality or maybe, like the devil story, I need something else. I found my something else in an unusual post I saw online. I saw a video about drunk driving on New Years that said, "Your dog will not understand why you did not came home." That became the thought that drove me to not give up. My dog. The heart breaking feeling of my dog not understanding what happened to me made me sad enough that I couldn't do it. I felt like such a shitty person because it wasn't my family that was my driving thought. In truth, hang on to whatever inspires the will to live! No one is keeping score!

I had my motivation to fight yet another battle and I also wanted to be a success story. I had to make myself give a shit about ending this hostile takeover. I made myself heal. This meant MAKING myself do the things I knew would help me. Spin class, yoga, painting and drawing, meditation, oils, crystals, prayer, personal growth projects, and confiding in trusted friends and family. That last one took the most time. Letting go of my shame for my own sake was a large hurdle and, eventually, I jumped it. 

I have chosen to share my survivor story because we need them. People experiencing the same thoughts need to know they will survive. Depression is lonely and isolating. Depression attacks each victim differently. For some it drains the life out of them, making its hostile takeover known. For others it can make you play the greatest role of your life - being the most convincing happy person you have ever been. Neither of these victims are supposed to ask for help. One feels like the ultimate burden and the other has themself convinced they are surviving, they can make it. Mental health is slowly becoming a socially acceptable topic and it is about time. People's lives depend on our society eliminating the stigmas and giving people a safe space to get help. 

I am not here to tell anyone how to manage their depression. There is no linear path to mental freedom from the dark place.  Each of us has our own unique body chemistry, experiences, values, and beliefs. What works for one person is not the answer for someone else. The objective to sharing my struggle is to help someone who might be standing at the entry of that hallway of darkness and thinking that this time, maybe the emergency exit door might be easier. You are not your thoughts! You are not worthless or weak! That voice in your head is lying to you! It's important to know you are not alone. Suicidal thoughts plague more of us than we realize because not many people talk about it! We HAVE to talk about the victories over depression and suicide. There are others who fight and win every day. EVERY SINGLE DAY. You are one of those stories, a story of victory. I offer you the hope from my journey, use it as the elbow and knee pads you need to crawl out!

I will tell you that it is imperative that you take proactive measures to find what illuminates the dark place for you. Set yourself up for success. Begin a journey of self-awareness. Learn your triggers. Talk to your doctor. How much about depression do you truly understand? Do you have anxiety? Do you understand how the two work together and what you can do to prevent them teaming up? Have you explored exercise and nutrition as ways to manage brain chemistry? How much effort have you honestly put into managing your mental health struggles? 

I wish I had counted all the light bulb moments I had last year as I learned about myself and how my brain is wired. Life changing! I have been free from suicidal thoughts for several months now. I crawled out with a new purpose, to stop living in shame and to talk about mental health. I will be the loudest person you know telling you to go for a walk and reflect on yourself. Listen to your warning signals when they are soft beeps so that you won't have to hear the sirens go off when you hit rock bottom. I am diligent about my mental health routine. I am not ashamed to explain to anyone that I have depression and anxiety and because of that I need to set boundaries and have routines. I am unapologetically myself (I feel like somewhere in heaven Carrie Fisher just yelled "hell yeah!") and I encourage you do the same! 

I hold tight to the knowledge I am here for a reason and maybe that reason, right now, is to share my story. You will be another success story too! 

                           ________________________________________________________________________________________

If you are in need of help right now, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-273-8255) or text them at 741741. They are available 24 hours everyday. I called them and I AM STILL HERE! Screw shame, you are worth the effort!

My Year with Jillian Michaels

      This time last year I was a week into Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred workout. I had regained 30 pounds three different times in one year. I'd get it off and it would come right back! While I feel like I looked amazing regardless, I did not feel good. My body felt heavy and my mind was beginning to feel the guilt and fear of weight gain. I had promised myself and my blog readers that I was going to wear a bikini in the name of self-love that summer and I was not going back on my word. Even if that meant I'd be wearing a bikini in a bigger body. What I could not have foreseen is the impact this decision would have on the rest of my life. 

Let me tell you about my year with Jillian Michaels. 

     I completed all 30 days of the workout and wore my bikini with pride. Those first 30 days showed me I wasn't breakable. Soreness is a temporary discomfort that yields pride and change. In 30 days I went from push ups on my knees to three real push ups. May not sound mind blowing, but it was just my Chapter 1. Everyone has a chapter one, a day one. I wore my bikini and felt like a million bucks. I do not know how much weight I lost because I never stood on the scale. If I made it about numbers, I knew it would diminish my self-pride and I was not about to hand that over without a fight. The pictures speak for themselves...it worked!


     I had no long term plan, I had a 30 day plan. I was thrilled with the results so I kept doing the workouts, rotating between levels two and three until I felt ready to move onto other Jillian workouts. I went month to month, never imagining I would do this for an entire year. Honestly, even I was waiting for me to quit in the back of my mind. That disbelief in myself is actually responsible for me not quitting. I began to enjoy my new physical abilities and I did not want to go back to my old ways...so much so that I vowed to stop quitting. When I say I vowed, I mean it in a biblical sense; I told myself from my soul that I would quit holding myself back. I wanted to see what not quitting would do for my body and mind. It's all documented on my Instagram account @newfigureforward, you can scroll from the very first workout to today's workout. 
   

 Jillian Michaels got into my head. Her workouts proved to me that with hard work, transformation is possible. My body is proof. Her empowering words proved to me that I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for in life. My mind is proof. It's hard not to change after hearing messages of how incredibly awesome I am and how I should be proud of the work I am doing. Jillian made me feel good in my mind. She got into my head and beat down the negative voices that tortured me since fourth grade. Within a few months of daily workouts (most no more than 30 minutes), Jillian had me believing I was badass. I cannot put in words what that feels like - to have come from a dark place of depression and obesity to a place that I believe I am truly capable of anything I set my mind to! I felt reborn. 

     My love for Jillian, I thought, was something only I had. Oh how wrong I was! Facebook can be an amazing tool to connect people to other like minded souls. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a whole group of Jillian lovers called Jillian Michaels Workout Junkies, a private group open only to women that supports each other. Thousands of women from all over the world encouraging each other to keep pushing and smash goals. This group helped me no longer feel alone, I had people who understood me instead of eye rolling and thinking I was nuts. The daily workout check in and supportive messages helped keep me focused. There is power in knowing someone gets you and I have thousands of Jillian fans that get me. It's amazing the positive power these amazing ladies have had on my journey! 

     About six months into my transformation I began to smile at myself in mirrors, have a little swag in my walk, and I liked myself. I continued to lose weight and became more and more athletic with each passing month. I had a huge reduction in my anxiety. Turns out that for me, the deep conviction that I am badass turned off my anxiety. With my new mental freedom I signed up for a Spartan Race and felt beyond proud of myself as I jumped the finish line fire. Jillian's words, heard 6 days a week, rewired me. I am not the same person. The person I was settled, floundered around, and got by. I had no passion or sense of purpose. I have gotten out of bed for the last four and half months with purpose.

     I have a goal. My reason to do what I do everyday. It's a different kind of life. I decided to go back to school, at 34, to follow my heart. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never had a passion. Then one day I figured it out and my heart caught fire. It's a different kind of life now. What I do now I do because someone in my future needs me to not give up. Someone will need help and I will be able to help them. I found my superpower...to not use it to help people is to waste it. I am strong, brave, and determined, all qualities needed for the next chapter in my life. I believe in myself because a lady named Jillian Michaels has told me to for the last 56 weeks of my life. It's a different kind of life now. 


     I wore a new bikini this summer, I lost 40 pounds over the year. I have an athletes body, 17% body fat. I am a badass. My training routine will change to accommodate my EMT certification schedule starting in late August. I will still have my daily sessions with Jillian, I need her to continue to whip me into shape. EMT training is only step one in pursuing my goal. You can follow my fitness journey on Instagram @newfigureforward. I post updates often of my achievements and goals. Reinvention is possible, I am proof! 

     That, folks, was my year with Jillian Michaels. I went in wanting my self-confidence back and discovered a badass! I quit quitting on myself and it changed my life. Jillian may not be for you, she's not for everyone, however be proactive about finding what you enjoy and do it! Do not quit! On days you don't want to, do it anyway. Half assing still counts. Quit quitting on yourself. The scale did not make a smooth drop down 40 pounds, it went up and down. The trick is keep doing it! Show up for yourself everyday and get addicted to personal pride. My sister once told me that you only get bragging rights after a workout if you finish it.
I still get my bragging rights. 

Seen Through My Eyes: A Body Positive Photography Project

     I love art. I am an artist. I write. I draw. I paint. I craft. I take pictures. That last one, take pictures, is my favorite. I wanted a way to combine my passion for body positivity and my camera lens.  Armed with my list of wants: I want a way to impact women around me, I want to pass along a feeling of empowerment and personal pride, I want to give an hour or two of my time to make someone feel like art, I started dreaming and that dream has been brought to fruition, I have officially begun my photography project entitled Simply Extraordinary.

     Simply Extraordinary is the idea, the spark, that ignited the artist in me. I, myself, am tired of seeing over-Photoshopped models. These visual lies that only perpetuate one type of beauty, skinny and flawless. Enough! This time I am taking matters into my own hands, I am creating art without erasing the human. I don't believe in flawless. I don't believe in perfection. I do believe in us empowering each other to feel incredible in our bodies. I do not use Photoshop for the purpose of erasing the natural human body. I use Photoshop to enhance the photo into my artistic vision. 

     Beauty is not based on size, shape, measurements, or specific facial structures. Beauty is how we see the world around us; it is how we choose to see those around us. When we see this beauty, we can begin to recognize the beauty within ourselves. Through my camera I hope to inspire moments of feeling beautiful. I hope to capture soulful smiles and heartfelt giggles. I hope to capture confidence, apprehension, strength, weakness, sexiness, modesty, poise, and unruliness. I hope to capture the beauty of the woman in front of me, in all her unique glory. 

I am proud to present my first model for Simply Extraordinary....
I am honored to begin this photographic journey with a great friend. 
Jacki, thank you for the laugher and lesson on power pose! 

If you are in the Las Vegas area and would like to participate in Simply Extraordinary please contact me via email at Alyson@newfigureforward.com. Let me treat you like a model for an hour or two! 

A Commercial for Empowerment

This is hands down the GREATEST commercial I have EVER seen!! 

The U.K. is leaps and bounds ahead of the U.S. and we need to catch up! Every women and teenage girl I know needs to see this video! Pass it on. 

I am right, huh? This is amazing!! Check out other great videos here and share with your friends and family. 

LOVE IT!!

6,500 Followers GIVEAWAY!

We are going celebrate 6,500 with a bag!

     I want to celebrate reaching 6,500 people by spreading the message of self love and body positive thoughts. We are worth more than the sum of our parts or the number on the scale. To celebrate this goal I am hosting a bag giveaway! Take a body positive message with you and spread the word. 

     The contest winner will be determined by activity on the Facebook page and New Figure Forward blog page. The more you help to spread messages of body positive and self love the more entries you will receive and the more smiles you will help pass on. 

     The top 5 active fans will be entered into a drawing. From the top 5 I am going to pick one awesome fan to choose the bag of their choice! 

The contest will run from Tuesday May 19th-Tuesday May 26th.

Here is how to enter:

1. Like this post on Facebook page and comment "Spread the Love"

    -This is key! Only the people who follow this step will be entered.

2. Over the next week the more you like, share, and comment on ANY post(s) the more entries you will receive. 

-Old or new posts. I encourage people to explore my blog and Facebook page for inspiring articles and messages and share them with friends and family. Help spread empowerment and self love! 

3. Share my Facebook page and encouraging your friends and family to become fans. For every person that leaves a comment saying you sent them, you will earn 5 more entries. 

Might be my favorite!

That is it! The top 5 participates will be entered into the drawing for the bag of their choice. My goal is to reach as many people as I can in 2015 with the body positive healthy living message and I need my fans to carry out my master plan. 

I want to lift women up into greatness, for greatness has no size requirement! 

I wish I could hug all of my fans! Good luck to all that join me on spreading body positivity this week! Thank you for the support of New Figure Forward!