Every time I hear of an adult suicide I get very, very scared. It hits close to home. I'm afraid that their story could have been about me. I want to write about this subject yet I have sat on this blog for weeks, constantly questioning if I am doing the right thing by admitting suicidal thoughts. Carrie Fisher once said, "My liabilities are my assets. If you declare something it has less power over you, far less. Say your weak things in a strong voice." Carrie inspires me to grab my mental illness by its balls and show it who's boss. So here goes *In my strong voice* Hi, my name is Alyson, I am 36 years old, I have anxiety and depression, and I experience suicidal thoughts.
Often we find our sense of hope from strength in others journeys, identifying with the struggle, inspired by the vulnerability and ability to overcome. I am nervous about sharing this dark corner of my closet because there is an unspoken taboo regarding depression and suicide. However, I realize that I HAVE to share my struggle because our society needs help in breaking down the shame of mental illness. People need survival stories, they need to know they are not alone.
I can remember having suicidal thoughts as far back as elementary school. I remember being taught that suicide is the ultimate sin and that my soul would burn in hell for all eternity. Suicidal thoughts were sent from the devil, he wanted my soul. That's powerful stuff to a kid - I was terrified of 'burning in hell'. As I grew older though, the devil felt more like a fairytale villain and I needed something else to help me feel strong against the thoughts.
My teenage years were volatile and lead to my first experience with planning my own emergency exit. I survived by pure stubborn 'I am not proving any of you douche bags right' mentality. I used to repeat to myself "the greatest revenge is success" and I found strength in my unknown future. Eventually, as a young adult, I accepted suicidal thoughts as part of my being. Always telling myself "here we go again" and succumbing to the roller coaster of the internal struggle and the external chaos. Depression and anxiety, when left to their own devises, are evil life hating forces. Forces that spread to the people around me; my behaviors effected the people I loved in ways I wish I could take back.
In my 36 years there have been three times my life was in serious jeopardy. Depression and suicidal thoughts beat me down more than the usual expected torture, making me feel like the only way to obtain relief was to end my own life. Three times I had a plan. Three times I stood in front of the emergency exit door, ready to push it open. I AM STILL HERE so that means there were three times I didn't follow through. Three times something inside of me refused to give in.
The most recent of these time was in January 2018. I got very sick and ended up losing partial hearing in my left ear. Going partially deaf meant I wasn't going to become a firefighter. I was broken and that ended my dream. A dream I had never worked so hard in my life for, it was just...gone. Depression is the ultimate opportunist and my complete loss of purpose made me an easy target. Of course depression doesn't want its victim right away, no, depression likes to play with its food first. Depression gave me a mask to cover the internal hostel take over. I wore this mask every day, playing the role of "ok".
I'm a wife and a mom. I have a life. I have others that count on me. I am supposed to be an adult so I dutifully put on my mask and went through the motions of life. Numb. Everyday an internal beat down. It was exhausting. That's what depression wants - to wear the person down. The weak are easy prey. This is when, what I call the dark hallway, appears. It's long and daunting. There are echoes of screams and crying. The ground is covered with broken glass. This hallway isn't meant to be walked through... that why there is the emergency exit door. I faced that hallway again.
I AM STILL HERE which means I was successful at beating intense suicidal thoughts for the third time. I emerged victorious after months of constant fear. How did I pull myself out this time? I like to think I have evolved past stubborn mentality or maybe, like the devil story, I need something else. I found my something else in an unusual post I saw online. I saw a video about drunk driving on New Years that said, "Your dog will not understand why you did not came home." That became the thought that drove me to not give up. My dog. The heart breaking feeling of my dog not understanding what happened to me made me sad enough that I couldn't do it. I felt like such a shitty person because it wasn't my family that was my driving thought. In truth, hang on to whatever inspires the will to live! No one is keeping score!
I had my motivation to fight yet another battle and I also wanted to be a success story. I had to make myself give a shit about ending this hostile takeover. I made myself heal. This meant MAKING myself do the things I knew would help me. Spin class, yoga, painting and drawing, meditation, oils, crystals, prayer, personal growth projects, and confiding in trusted friends and family. That last one took the most time. Letting go of my shame for my own sake was a large hurdle and, eventually, I jumped it.
I have chosen to share my survivor story because we need them. People experiencing the same thoughts need to know they will survive. Depression is lonely and isolating. Depression attacks each victim differently. For some it drains the life out of them, making its hostile takeover known. For others it can make you play the greatest role of your life - being the most convincing happy person you have ever been. Neither of these victims are supposed to ask for help. One feels like the ultimate burden and the other has themself convinced they are surviving, they can make it. Mental health is slowly becoming a socially acceptable topic and it is about time. People's lives depend on our society eliminating the stigmas and giving people a safe space to get help.
I am not here to tell anyone how to manage their depression. There is no linear path to mental freedom from the dark place. Each of us has our own unique body chemistry, experiences, values, and beliefs. What works for one person is not the answer for someone else. The objective to sharing my struggle is to help someone who might be standing at the entry of that hallway of darkness and thinking that this time, maybe the emergency exit door might be easier. You are not your thoughts! You are not worthless or weak! That voice in your head is lying to you! It's important to know you are not alone. Suicidal thoughts plague more of us than we realize because not many people talk about it! We HAVE to talk about the victories over depression and suicide. There are others who fight and win every day. EVERY SINGLE DAY. You are one of those stories, a story of victory. I offer you the hope from my journey, use it as the elbow and knee pads you need to crawl out!
I will tell you that it is imperative that you take proactive measures to find what illuminates the dark place for you. Set yourself up for success. Begin a journey of self-awareness. Learn your triggers. Talk to your doctor. How much about depression do you truly understand? Do you have anxiety? Do you understand how the two work together and what you can do to prevent them teaming up? Have you explored exercise and nutrition as ways to manage brain chemistry? How much effort have you honestly put into managing your mental health struggles?
I wish I had counted all the light bulb moments I had last year as I learned about myself and how my brain is wired. Life changing! I have been free from suicidal thoughts for several months now. I crawled out with a new purpose, to stop living in shame and to talk about mental health. I will be the loudest person you know telling you to go for a walk and reflect on yourself. Listen to your warning signals when they are soft beeps so that you won't have to hear the sirens go off when you hit rock bottom. I am diligent about my mental health routine. I am not ashamed to explain to anyone that I have depression and anxiety and because of that I need to set boundaries and have routines. I am unapologetically myself (I feel like somewhere in heaven Carrie Fisher just yelled "hell yeah!") and I encourage you do the same!
I hold tight to the knowledge I am here for a reason and maybe that reason, right now, is to share my story. You will be another success story too!
________________________________________________________________________________________
If you are in need of help right now, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-273-8255) or text them at 741741. They are available 24 hours everyday. I called them and I AM STILL HERE! Screw shame, you are worth the effort!
