The Power of Music

I am a suicide survivor (click here) and I have a story of hope and magic for anyone who needs it.

I have always been a person that believes in signs and the magic of the universe. Especially in my darkest hour, signs, whatever they maybe, would create teeny tiny sparks of hope. When I needed a giant sign last year, I discovered a song while on a random YouTube clicking spree. Little did I know just how much impact this song would have on my life. This song started out as my life saving anthem and became so much more!

Take a listen:
Alabama Shakes-Hold on
(I cannot begin to describe how incredibly refreshing Brittany Howard is for so many reasons! )

Or read the lyrics: Hold On Lyrics

I listened to this song on repeat from the first moment I heard it. It spoke to my soul. No, it was bigger than that...this song shook my soul. I found a gigantic spark of hope from the song Hold On, my sign from the universe, and I played it ALL THE TIME while putting up the greatest fight of my life. Sometimes Hold On would make me cry a detoxing soul purifying cry, and other times it would send a serge of soul shaking power right to my core. Whichever way my soul heard this song in the moment, when it played it helped me heal. I held on and I am still here! 

Why am I telling you this? 2019 came with an opportunity I could not pass up - a sponsored trip to Israel. Many times while on the trip I reflected on where I was a year ago, drowning in depression and planning to end my life. To then find myself in Israel a year to date later... nothing short of mind blowing. 

That would have been enough, only the universe had one more magic trick up its sleeve. While in Israel, in a small sandwich shop surrounded by beautiful desert I heard my song!!! I heard Hold On!! It sent my brain, heart, and soul into overdrive. I couldn't believe I was hearing Hold On on the other side of the world! After all, I had never even heard the song on the radio back home in Las Vegas! I felt weirdly alone and empowered by love all at the same time. No one in that coffee shop knew what was happening inside my head but I knew the universe could hear my screams of delight and shock. The moment inspired me to share my story with friends I had made on the trip. I've learned to share my journey because you never know who is listening and may need the hope. 

I struggle to put into words how insane that moment was for me. I was reminded that someone/something is aware of our individual journeys and takes an active interest in reminding us that we are not alone and to hold on. Call this entity what you will, I believe someone/something bigger than me wants to see me stay. Maybe, if you are reading this story, this is your sign. Always be open to seeing the signs! That is where the magic of our world lies! 

My Second Chance

     At one point in my life, I did not think I was worthy of much. I believed that I should be thankful for what I had because, after all, who could love me? I gained 65 pounds in the 6 months leading up to my first wedding. I almost needed a new dress but was able to have it let it out and add a panel. I look back and can see what a huge sign that weight gain was; I was not happy. I walked down the aisle anyway because having a husband somehow validated me. 

     My weight gain continued and I found myself at 300 pounds within the first year of my marriage. I found myself unable to live the life I wanted and I felt trapped. One day, after wiping tears from my eyes, something inside me snapped and I changed my life. I walked into Weight Watchers and never looked back. I fought for my second chance. I shed my weight and discovered a woman who had outgrown her current circumstances and deserved a second chance. 

     During my weight loss, I was prepared for the physical change but I was not prepared for the mental change. The true change was in how I felt about myself. I discovered love, passion, joy, and self worth.  Some of the choices I was faced with after my weight loss were not easy. After immense soul searching, I chose to start over and honor the woman I had fought to become. 

     My ex-husband and I parted with a mutual understanding and forgiveness. We each went our own ways with the encouragement from each other that happiness was worth the pain of divorce. I did find my happiness. The new me got my second chance at love. When I was not looking, I fell in love with my best friend. We have been together for 5 years and married for over 2 years now.  Weight loss changes so much more than the body. For me, it changed who I was and what I thought I deserved. I am thankful for the day I broke - the day that made me change my life and never look back.  I found self worth and truly fell in love. 

     Here's to second chances!