Turns Out Stars Have Sharp Edges

The quote that inspired me to keep fighting for my peace 

"Shoot for the moon and if you fall, you will land among the stars."

When I shot for the moon, it was not the stars I landed in when I fell. No, instead the stars cut and scratched me as I plummeted to Earth. Then I bounced off mountains like a cartoon character until I landed in a bleeding heap on the hard ground. I laid there for a bit, ok for a while, but eventually I got back up. I got back up... that is the story I will be sharing! For every person who lost a dream (and maybe themselves) along the way, I am here to show you how I got back up stronger than ever and that life is always shaping us into better versions of ourselves if we are open to the journey!

So here goes, the story I lived to tell...

Two years ago I was inspired to become a firefighter. I lived and breathed for my goal. The first year I transformed my body into a machine and beyond losing weight, I had gained an insane amount of muscle and ability.  At one time I was busting out push ups with a 20 pound weighted vest on, crushing physical goals like I never imagined.  I went to school and became an Advanced EMT with an acceptance letter into Paramedic school. Everything was lining up; my plan unfolding right down to the last detail. I was a prime candidate for the fire department. Tests taken. I was living my dream, I had an intense sense of purpose. Only...

...that was as far as that dream would ever go.

During the second year several things steamrolled me: first, the price tag that came along with paramedic school was a kick to the gut; second my plantar fasciitis and heel spurs where working against me and my need to use my feet; and third I was mentally falling apart. I had been burning myself at both ends and eventually ran myself down into the ground. The stress of school had impacted my waistline and the fear of weight gain triggered my eating disorder to levels it had never been before. My reality was a dark one. In gunning for my dream I was destroying myself. I had to slow down for the sake of my health and wellness.

New plans where talked about so that my dream would just be put on pause while I got my head on straight. I put school on hold. I got help for my eating disorder. I began the difficult journey of putting myself back together. The most difficult part to the beginning was the shame, embarrassment, fear, and self-loathing I had inside. I was barely holding it together. Then it got worse.... 

January 2019 will mark one year that I have been partially deaf in my left ear. I lost my hearing! They don't hire deaf firefighters. So no matter how much I fixed myself and got back on track, I was never going to become the one thing I worked day and night to become. That moment of realizing my dream was over broke me. 

The beginning of 2018 felt like my life was in ruins. I was sick for months. Losing my hearing was a nightmare. The pain, the multiple doctors with no answers, the hanging on to hope, and the months of uncomfortable existence in my head was soul crushing. By my birthday in April everything had been set in stone... I had permanent hearing loss and all hope was gone. I was already deep into a depression and the finalization of my fate knocked me so far down that I felt my life was in jeopardy.

I put up the greatest fight of my life in 2018. In order to give myself the time to heal and face my demons head on, I did the only thing I could think to do - I bowed out of life for a while. I was too angry and confused to explain why the sudden screeching halt to a very public goal. The few times I crawled out of my hole I was slammed with questions and strong opinions. I just wanted to be left alone. In the beginning, no one knew the entire story expect for my husband. Eventually I opened up to a few, crying in the arms of people who had no clue what to tell me while they held onto me very tight. I didn't need speeches, I needed empathy- and to those with stronger shoulders than mine, I thank you!

The loss of a dream and my hearing wasn't anything I prepared to take on. The fight I had to put up was not easy. I discovered just how bad ass I truly am, and it had zero to do with my physical strength. I am a hell of a lot stronger mentally then I ever gave myself credit for. I struggled quietly everyday. I used Instagram as a diary of sharing my struggles, yet never mentioning just how deeply I was cut. I never talked about not becoming a firefighter. I couldn't. I still struggle to do so now (you should see pile of tissues forming by my computer as I type this all out!). If you happen to know me in real life, I warn you, mention this article to me and I may very well cry - so brace yourself.

I refused to give up and 2018 was the year I conquered my eating disorder, dove deep into understanding my struggles with binge eating, anxiety disorder and depression, and dug through layers of pain to unearth an inner peace like I have never known. In order to find this peace I had to create an environment for myself that inspired deep spiritual healing. I returned to parts of myself I had long since been buried in the layers of adulting. I turned to yoga. I turned to art. I lit incense and meditated with crystals. I smudged my house. I gave myself permission to just be and explore different ideas about life and purpose. I found myself becoming softer, more at ease with myself and those around me, and discovered a renewed sense of calm about life. I healed in ways I never anticipated. I had monumental break throughs. I see the meaning of life so very differently than I used too. This journey that I have been on, searching for new meaning, ended up being the very thing that gave me meaning. I survived relentless suicidal thoughts brought on by depression. I survived and THAT is the story that needs to be told!

I am a success story of overcoming the loss of purpose and meaning. I am a success story for ending my life long battle with bulimia. I am a success story for understanding my anxiety in ways that gave me back my power. I am a success story to ending the war with my body and finally allowing myself to live and enjoy what my body can do. I am a success story in overcoming a dark depression. I successfully hit the reset button on my life and every lesson learned needs to be shared. Not every sad story has a sad ending! 

Stay tuned to New Figure Forward in 2019 for more blogs, YouTube videos, and Instagram posts covering the accumulation of lessons that transformed my life and gave me back my purpose.