My Battle with Addiction

Teal is worn to represent PCOS awareness 

Since coming out of the PCOS closet I have been receiving emails from women with the same condition. Many of these women had not been informed by their doctors of the potential health risks PCOS contributes to our bodies. The majority, like myself, have been handed birth control to put their bodies back on a month to month schedule. I am not sure why doctors are not explaining the high risk for diabetes, heart attack, and stroke.  PCOS goes beyond a mustache; it can be life altering if not taken seriously.

Answered many of my questions

I have been putting in hours of research to have an understanding as to what my body is doing and what it needs. I checked out books from the library and read every legitimate doctor written article I could find online.  The information is out there and not hard to find. What I have found has been a resounding focus on the link between PCOS and Type 2 Diabetes, which can be fatal.  This was a huge slap in the face for me. I have written about being a sugar addict in a previous blog (click here to read about my battle with sugar).  It never occurred to me that I was putting myself at risk for diabetes; after all, that stuff only happens to really over weight people and I lost the weight I needed to to put myself back into a healthy bracket. I could not have been more wrong!

The biggest hurdle I had to get over was the idea of thin meaning healthy. There is such a focus in this country to reach and maintain a small size that, often times, the health risks to obtain that size are brushed under the rug. We are not praised for good health - we are praised for our physical size.  I wasn't paying attention to what my body needed to be healthy, all I was concerned with was maintaining my waist size.  This is where I had to take a real look at myself and what I was doing to maintain my size.  I had to stop lying to myself. I was maintaining my weight through deprivation.  Up until 2 months ago I was still abusing my body and had managed to rationalize it as the way I needed to eat to prevent weight gain.

The past two months have been a journey of self love.  I had to step outside myself and treat myself like a dear friend who had lost her way. This is when I started to educate myself on PCOS. I was motivated by my hair loss, I wanted to put a stop to it and maybe throw it in reverse.  The information I was obtaining was overwhelming and started to explain the battles I have been fighting with my body.  The sugar cravings have been explained in that PCOS causes insulin resistance which causes extreme highs and lows in blood sugar causing cravings for processed carbs and sugar. The body is trying to quick fix the imbalance of sugar. I was not having just any cravings; I have had cravings for sugar so bad in the past I have become a monster until I had a fork and cake in front of me.  Now I had to face reality and break this addiction.

My addiction to sugar was like that of a drug addict. I would binge behind closed doors. I could not stop, sometimes for days. I lied about binging and purging for years. The thought of breaking this cycle scared me. I seconded guessed myself over and over.  I can't live without sugar. All the fun foods have sugar. I will miss it too much.  I forced myself to go through the detox anyway. I braced my husband for the mood swings that could happen during this time. I braced him for what life would be like on the other side; no ice cream, no cake, no late night trips to Diary Queen, and the diet overhaul that would be taking place.

The detox was not fun or easy. I needed to break the habits I had formed over the years. The biggest being my bowl of ice cream every night. I had to tell myself it is the habit that is the hardest part and to stay strong. I had to be aware of what I was eating, reading all food labels for the hidden sugars that sneak into our foods with clever new names.  I ended up cutting out more than just junk food, out went the salad dressing, the peanut butter (I use 100% natural now, one ingredient-peanuts), the bottled sauces, white flour products, and much more. This has forced me to take control over the foods that come in the house.

Jumping head, I am on the other side of the detox and kitchen overhaul.  I have successfully cut sugar and learned to balance my blood sugar levels with healthy foods and not letting my body go hungry (letting the body go hungry can cause dips in blood sugar and for someone with PCOS this leads to craving for sugar that can then lead to diabetes). I eat more fresh vegetables and fruit than I did before the wake up call about my health.

This journey has not been about weight. I hid my scale a few months ago as part of my New Years resolution (click to read about my addiction to the number on the scale.).  I wanted to see if my body would change so I took out the smallest pants I own and took my before picture. Yesterday I took another a month later and was shocked. I have no clue the weight difference or even the inches. This lifestyle change isn't about any numbers. This just reinforces that the changes I have made are making my body happy.

I don't have a size goal. I am letting my body come to its own conclusion of where it is happiest. I have to eat for my health and for my health only.  The weight that comes off is because my body does not want it, not because I have dieted it off.

My journey with PCOS is changing my life as I take a mature look at my health and set aside my vanity. This world can not get rid of me that easy. I will show my body love and compassion. My body is only as strong as I make it and at this rate, I will be a rock of strength.

Fat Girl Victory

     I had a victory moment. In the grocery store today I happened to see an old boss of mine from 7 years ago. When he knew me I was 300 pounds. He and I where not fans of each other but I was good at what I did so he made peace with me.  The office staff, including him, were always on a diet. I was surrounded by health conscious gym rats and in that time in my life I was not a healthy person.
   
     I tried to fit in. I took diet advice and felt like the office project. It was the first time I joined a gym.  It was the first time I ate protein bars.  I lost a few pounds. Nothing major. When I officially left my job I was relieved to no longer be under the microscope of that office. People would make comments about my lunch, snacks, and beverage choices.  No thank you. Fat shaming does not help anyone, ever.

    Fast forward to 7 years later and 125 pounds smaller. I'm in the store with my son, looking extra cute. I had my hair cut today. I had done my make up and my outfit was rocking. As I come around the corner who do I see across the isle? A man giving me a funny look. I knew right away who he was and could tell my look on his face he was trying to place me. My heart skipped a beat and I told myself to play it cool. I went about my business. He stared, gawked, and did multiple double takes.  I think he figured out who I was.

     I was jumping up and down on the inside. The fat girl in me felt victorious! After 7 years of maintaining my weight loss just about everyone has seen my transformation. Today was a BONUS!! Thank you universe for having it happen on a day I look adorable.

Super Fun Night Fan

I was apprehensive about “Super Fun Night” with Rebel Wilson.  I am over plot lines that make the plus size character constantly make fun of themselves in order to distract attention from her size. The stereotype that fat equals funny is irritating. I procrastinated watching the show for fear of hating it. Rebel Wilson is adorable, sassy, intelligent, beautiful and I really did not want to see her play the fat fool.

I am caught up on the season thus far and even watch a few episodes twice. Rebel Wilson's character, Kimmy, is endearing and adorable. She's obviously smart, she's a lawyer (fact: Rebel WIlson has a law degree). Yet she is completely lost with herself, growing into womanhood.  I found that very relatable. We want to be comfortable in our skin and blend in with those around us. When we are still in the process of figuring out who we are we can look like asses along the journey.

     I love her girlfriends. They make me miss the bond I had with my close friends from high school.  My friends who would have stood in line with me to get Xena's autograph and remind me to not sport the awkward t-shirt to school. Kimmy's friends are loyal and accepting of each other and their quirks.  They help each other be the best versions of themselves they can be, often encouraging each other to break out from the fear and just do it. It is a nice break from the back stabbing woman characters I see so much of on TV.

     The more I watch the more I do not see the show as a way to poke fun at big girls. I see a woman coming into her own and discovering the woman she is becoming. She is growing out of “girldom” and into womanhood with a few bumps along the way. I think Rebel is a master at combining humor and honesty. Rebel created and writes the show.  She is aware of the fat jokes - she wrote them! I still struggle with humor as the main attribute to a plus size character but she is charming and it works.  The Kimmy character is not the way she is because she is fat; she is spunky, funny, and adorable because that the PERSONALITY she has been given. Fat does not make her funny. Her giggle, facial expressions, and nerdy ways make Kimmy the cute character she is. When I laugh at what she says or does I am not laughing because she is plus size, I'm laughing because the moment was funny. Put in a skinny woman and it still would have been funny.

   

 I have my fingers crossed that the show holds on and does not get canceled. It is refreshing to have women with different figures on a show. I welcome these girls into my living room every week. I am comfortable watching in my pj's, glasses, and with my green face mask. It has become my 30 minutes of pure girl time. I do not compare myself to these women and feel bad about myself. Instead, I laugh and remember the moment I did the same thing.  The show becomes about weight when all anyone can focus on is Rebel's weight. That is not a reflection of her, rather it is a reflection of society’s fear of a strong plus size woman who is not buying into the idea that beauty comes in one size propaganda.

People are Cruel Regardless of Size When You Do Not Meet Their Expectations.

 
 Everyone has a why. A reason they are who they are. Why they dislike someone or something. Why they yell, or cry, or shy away.  Why some are loud, outgoing, and confident. Understanding the reasons behind a person actions and behaviors makes them not seem so bad, we see a human. We may even find compassion and understanding for them, instead of intolerance and frustration.  I present my story of why.  I am a product of my experiences, as we all are. Let us embrace empathy for each other before we assume and place judgement. 

     When I reached the age that I was aware of others and our differences, I was the heaviest kid in the third grade and the seed of self hate was planted.  I do not remember  a time when I looked in the mirror and loved what I saw. I grew up comparing myself to others around me, models, and actresses. I did not think I was as worthy to life as the beautiful people. I did not think I was a beautiful person.  When I was young, my grandmother told me my baby fat would go away as I got older. When it stuck around and brought some friends I felt like I had failed. Why had the other girls slimmed down and I had only gotten bigger? In that moment, I labeled myself different. My body was not like the other girls in my class and that made me believe my body was wrong.

     I learned to hide how I felt about my body in 6th grade after I had a bully physically abuse me on more than one occasion.  I would never show physical weakness again and I learned to carry myself with aggression. If I appeared scary, no one would hurt me. Inside I felt trapped behind a mask; I was not an aggressive person... I was a scared girl desperately seeking confirmation for my existence.  But I refused to let the aggressors be stronger than me.  I believed I was worth being loved and I would make it to the moment when I would find that love.

     I developed a distrust of people in 6th grade as well when the entire school, including people I called my friends, conspired against me.  I attended a small country school - the total student population from kindergarten through 6th grade was maybe 50 kids.  During volleyball practice after school I was informed that the boy I had a crush on and the popular girl where now a couple. People waited for my reaction. I held it together, made it through practice, and saved my tears for the privacy of my bedroom.  It was after dinner  when a friend called to tell me the truth, that it was a lie, everyone was in on it, and they just wanted to see what I would do.  This moment caused me to have difficulty trusting people.  I never let them see me cry. I learned to hold in my emotions.

     I carried my tough exterior with me through high school. I survived name calling, pushing, people trying to fight me, and my own dietary abuse. This picture creates an image of a large unhappy girl. Inn retrospect, I was only one of those. I was unhappy.  I was not large, though I was not a size zero.  I happen to have  a woman's figure amongst a sea of junior figures and I stood out.  Standing out in high school puts a target on a persons back and my target felt huge.

     I heard fat shaming comments for years. "Are you sure you want to eat that?" "What size do you want to be?" Funny thing is the size that seemed too big for me at 16 is the size I am now at 31! I'm not unhealthy now and I wasn't at an unhealthy weight then either.  It was the expected appearance for a teenager that I did not have, therefore my figure was wrong and I was fat.  How many girls are tortured because they do not look like the socially expected 16 year old? I kept my head down, shoulders slummed, and made little eye contact. I did my best to be invisible.

     I did have moments when I was able to forget my physical appearance and enjoy a social life in high school. I was Drama Club President and in every theater production. Acting made it easy to forget my size. I could be anyone.  My first major role was the seductive villain in a 1920's inspired play entitled "Peril on the High Seas".  I loved my character and my cast-mates.  I embraced the seductive nature of my character until opening night.  I will never forget the scene in which my character is seducing the male lead. I had on a 1920's all black glamours costume. I wore a long faux fur coat over my floor length dress. In the moment, in character I removed my coat, a move that was intended to be sexy. I should have won the Academy Award for not bursting into tears and running off stage when I heard boo's and, "Put it back on!" being shouted from the audience.  I finished the performance and accepted a very heart felt apology from one of  the other actors in the play. His friends where the shouters and he felt horrible. We preformed the play four more times and I didn't take my jacket off again during the production. I know now, looking back, that high school boys are dumb and insensitive but even rationalizing the behavior does not take away the scar.

     It just became easier for me to push people away and wallflower myself as I got older. No one was going to hurt me if they couldn't get near me. I had great friends that stuck by me but I never made too many new friends after high school. I was scared of people. I had allowed myself to be abused by a boyfriend for a couple of years because it was better than being alone. Just being able to say the words "I have a boyfriend" made me feel whole and less invisible. Of course I told no one of the abuse and hid it well.  After years of put downs, physical abuse by bullies, and constant reminders that I was not socially acceptable, an abusive boyfriend did not seem wrong. Somehow I deserved what I got because I was not pretty.  I believed fat girls should be thankful for what they can get.
   

     I believe that life teaches us lessons to strengthen our purposes, our reason for being who we are.  It is not easy to talk about my past.  I have been misunderstood by many over the years simply because I do not wear a sign explaining why I am the way I am. When I lost my weight I felt in limbo, my body was healthy but my mind needed time to catch up. I still had anxiety around people, especially in large groups.  From my experiences, people made me nervous and I needed time to trust again. New people in my life where thrown off by my social awkwardness because they did not know the "fat" me, all they saw was the new physically healthy me. Unfortunately, the old me's mind in the new me's body did not match and for that I have experienced judgment and intolerance.  The judgement and intolerance slowed the mental healing process down, people are cruel regardless of size when you do not meet their expectations.

     Am I shy? Yes. Am I slow to trust people? Very much so.  Have I ever seemed awkward at times?  Is it understandable as to why I am that way? I hope so. Now the ultimate question; why am I sharing this?  I have chosen to expose my most vulnerable side in an attempt to help people understand that we ALL are products of our environment and experiences.  As a society, if we could slow down and listen to each others stories we would learn a great deal about life, the strength of the human spirit, and the unbelievable power our words and actions have on each other.  My past has given me purpose. My purpose is to help people embrace who they are, what their bodies look like, and help them love themselves.  Self esteem is not a pill one can take, it is learned.

     To anyone the may have social anxiety, know that you are not alone and that you have an incredible amount of strength inside of you. The feeling of judgment can tear a person apart. It can make it difficult to move beyond the scars. The fat third grader, the bullied 6th grader, the humiliated 16 year old, the abused 20 year old, and the 300 pound 25 year old will ALWAYS be apart of me.  These are the chapters to my story and once the story is told, suddenly I make a lot more sense to people who just did not "get" me. I am writing new chapters to my life now and I am over coming my anxieties because my mind is getting healthy as well. The world may not see a fat girl but I have been looking at the world through fat girl eyes my entire life. It takes time to heal and trust.

     I do not know your story. You do not have to share with me. I do, however, promise to not judge and allow you the freedom to write your story because every one of us is different.  We all have a story as to why we are the way we are. Judgment will not change that - it will only put up walls and take away valuable lessons and meaningful relationship with one and another.