Open Your Purse and Empty Out Your Self Esteem

No expression lines, no freckles, nothing....

     The latest issue of “Shape Magazine” arrived in my mailbox, and before chucking it the recycling bin I flipped through it. There is no doubt in my mind why I spent years hating my body; all I saw was Photoshopped flawless beauty. Ad after ad. Article after article. Nothing but airbrushed perfection.  No expression lines on anyone. Not a freckle to be seen.  Not a stretch mark in the entire issue.  This flawless species must be kept in air tight containers somewhere because I do not know a single human being that is flawless! 

     As a consumer, I have the power to keep these Photoshopped lies out of my house. I will not open my purse for a self esteem crushing magazines that only tells me I am fat, wrinkly, and should have sex on my brain.  “Shape” arrives at my house from a free subscription I signed up to receive. It was not until after the first issue arrived that I really started to get offended by all the "perfect" women filling the pages - these flawless, sex driven women that I am supposed to be like and if I am not then I am shunned to the ugly  corner.  Enough already! 

Buy our product; look unreal

      I vow to no longer waste my time on lies and b.s. that's only purpose is to make me feel bad and buy whatever product is being advertised. Here - smear these chemicals all over you face, it will melt the wrinkle off forever. Or, here - take this pill and watch your body shrink to a rock hard toned babe with zero freckles, stretch marks, or cellulite.  Meanwhile readers feel like crap and companies are raking in the money from low self esteem and body image issues. Sickening! 

     Companies want our money. We have the power to make these Photoshopped ads disappear and/or be labeled. Did you know that Israel is the first country in the world to require all Photoshopped images to be labeled that they have been altered? If a company fails to label the image they will be heavily fined.  Think of an ad of a perfect young girl in a bikini. These images made me hate my body as a teenager. Now picture the same ad with an easy to notice label that reads: 'This image has been altered by Photoshop'. Now how do you feel? Not so crappy? 

Flawless faces and bodies. We're not stupid! 

     I will never be a super model and neither will anyone else. There is no such person. I like reality; there is a lot less pressure realizing no one has a blemish free body. I am done playing dumb to a culture that assumes I don't know models and actresses are being Photoshopped.  I will not allow these fantasy images to influence the acceptance of my body.  I am human, I am normal, and my body is healthy and strong.  I choose to love myself, to value myself, and to cherish my body.  I will now be removing the "sucker" sticker off my forehead. No one can make me feel bad about myself anymore. 

Kicked the Scale to the Curb!

I was reminded today of the resolution I made for 2014.  I resolved to no longer weigh myself. I was addicted to the number on the scale and I wanted to be free. To read the post "Addicted to the Number" click here.  I struggled at first. I weighed myself on December 31st and then not again until January 4th. I thought that was good, so I went a few more days. Then on Monday, January 6th I was back to weighing myself everyday and writing it down. I told myself I would stop after I got my holiday weight off. I could stop when I wanted (additive behavior warning!)

The last weight written in my calendar is on February 7th, the last day I weighed myself.  It has been over 2 months without stepping on the scale. I hide the scale. I hide it so well that I'm not sure where I put it.  The first month it felt like a 'how long can I stay away' challenge. Every day that I didn't crack was one more day I was strong.  After a few weeks, the challenge aspect of it wore off and I stayed off the scale because I believe I no longer need to know how much I weigh. I believe that weight is just a number and does not reflect how healthy I have become overall. 

For those that are on a healthy body journey and are losing weight, I understand the need to stand on the scale. In Weight Watchers, my weekly weigh-ins are what motivated me. Six years after losing my weight I still lived in fear of gaining it all back. I refused to go back, and the ideas of getting out of control on the scale made me obsess about the number on it.  I haven't seen 200 pounds on the scale in 6 years, let alone 300.  At what point was I going to accept the person I had become? When was I going to give myself credit for conquering my weight struggle? 

In Zumba, a friend commented on how good I look and asked if I had lost weight.  I said thank you and I may have lost weight, I don't know. I don't stand on the scale any more.  Two things happened in that moment: 1) I realized I have accomplished my New Year’s resolution and 2) my friend looked at me like I was nuts. "You don't stand on the scale?! Why not?!" I did not have much time to explain before class fired up, so I simply said, "I am not defined by a number and the scale doesn't weigh awesomeness."  I meant what I said. I almost got choked up when it sunk in what I had said, it rolled of my tongue naturally. I, from the bottom of my heart, believe I am worth more than a number!

There came a point in my life where I wanted to be set free from the entire hateful inner monologue I have been plagued with since third grade.  I trust myself to maintain a healthy lifestyle, both physically and mentally. I trust myself and the changes I have made are not a phase, the changes have become my second nature.  I no longer need the scale to tell me what my worth will be for the day.  I no longer eat with fear of how it will reflect on the scale in the morning.  I eat and exercise for me, for my body, and for my health. Not for some plastic box, not for a number, and not for size.  I am free from the addiction to the number and it is liberating! 

Looking Naked in the Face

My husband and I. 

It's a Saturday night and I am going out with my husband. I have taken my time on my hair and make-up. I have completed the jump dance into my Spanex and I have on my bra that completes my silhouette. My dress is form fitting and looks amazing. I look amazing. I am proud of my reflection. I worked hard to transform into a woman who can look into a mirror and mentally high five myself.  I feel spectacular and I am ready to knock my husband’s socks off and enjoy date night.  Until....

The date is over and we find ourselves back at home. I am now faced with the process of de-sexing myself. There is a moment when I feel sad. The clothes hit the floor and I free myself from my undergarments…this has often times been the end to my confidence.  My body loses its wow factor in my eyes. The pile of clothes at my feet took with it my glamorous body. The reality is my body is scared and will always remind me of the body I once had.  I can point at, poke at, and pinch all the parts of me I wish were different.  

I was frustrated with having changed my body only to end up disliking it more.  My bigger body left my smaller body with empty spaces. A good bra hides the truth until it comes off.  I struggled with feeling like my husband would notice the emptiness and be disappointed.  I used to push him away because I could not handle my own feelings of embarrassment.  I felt ashamed of my stretch marks, extra skin, and emptiness.  

I struggled with feeling sexy and feminine. My body was not the beautiful body I see on TV. I had lost so much of my hair (click here to read about my struggle with PCOS )I had to cut it all off, and my padded bra reminded me daily that I was missing real sexiness.  I hated that I was a lights off woman. A strip and dash under the covers woman. This was not why I lost weight! I wanted to feel confident in my body without clothing.  I had to dig deep and fix what I saw as beautiful. I needed to heal my disappointed body and mind.  I sought out role models to help me learn to embrace my body.  I encourage everyone to find role models for themselves. Who makes you feel good in your skin?

I have been asked why I like Tess Munster. After all, we're two different body types, what could I get out of being her fan? Confidence. That is what Tess Munster gave me.  Confidence to embrace my body the way it is and to treat it with respect. Tess makes no apologies for her body and is rocking the modeling world (hello Italian Vogue!)  Tess embraces her body with such confidence so I thought to myself, why can't I do the same? 

Sexiness is not a body type, or size, or feature; it is an emotion, a feeling, an attitude. Sexiness radiates from the inside and it feeds off confidence. I am always reminding myself to embrace confidence, hold my head high, and remember that being a woman has little to do with body parts or pant size and everything to do with how I live my life and how I see myself.  

Elly Mayday is a young Canadian model who taught me to embrace what I have because we do not have our bodies for long. Things can go wrong with our bodies.  What we have today is not guaranteed for tomorrow.  Elly bravely battled ovarian cancer publicly, inspiring thousands.  She does not hide the scar on her stomach from her surgery to remove her uterus at 25 years old!  When she lost her hair from chemo her bald photos were nothing less than stunning. Her bravery showed me I should be thankful for the hair I have and not let hair be the thing that takes away my sexiness. 

Tess and Elly have been huge contributors to my vow to not give away my self esteem to anyone; I protect how I feel about myself. Eleanor Roosevelt was a brilliant woman and no truer words were spoken; "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  I will not let the photoshopped lies effect how I see my body. We are not stupid and everyone knows the magazine covers are lies, so why do we let them dictate how we feel about our bodies? Not anymore!  

I discovered a project called Under the Red Dress that forever changed that way I will look at my breasts. The ugliness I have felt looking at my breasts after losing 125 pounds crushed my self esteem.  I hated my breasts. I desperately wanted implants.  Then I found Under the Red Dress and quit my bitching on the spot. I learned to be thankful for what I have because my breasts may not be perfect but I am blessed have them! I could no longer hate what so many women sacrifice in order to live. I felt selfish having cursed my body for not being perfect. I am strong, my body does what I ask it too, and I am not the hideous beast I have pictured in my head. 

A room filled with women, all stripped down, we would see how similar our bodies actually are to each other. We all have stretch marks, we all have different shaped breasts, we all have things we can pinch and poke. These are our bodies. Real bodies. Strip down the model or actress on the magazine and we will see that their bodies are actually just like our bodies. They get special lighting, air brush body make-up, and Photoshopping to make them look perfect. However, naked body to naked body we are all cut from the same mold. The mold of imperfect bodies that tell our individual stories.  

I have made peace with my body, most days. I am not perfect and will catch myself critiquing my reflection or pushing my husbands hands away. I stop myself now as quickly as I can. I stop the negative inner monologue. I stop pushing. Someday I will look back on my life and wish that I had loved my body more. I am going to look back and wish I had accepted the touching and love. Someday I will look back and think I was insane for thinking I was anything but stunning.  My body is not my enemy. I will dress it up and showcase it with pride and I will set it free and embrace what nature and my choices have given me.  My body is mine and it is like everyone else on the planet....perfectly imperfect! 

Photoshop and My Son

     

My 9 year old son asked me what Photoshop was at dinner last week.  I explained that it is a photo altering program that can do thousands of different things to change an image. He seemed satisfied with that answer. Then he asked me why I do not like Photoshop.  I knew this moment was going to happen one day; that his little ears were picking up things I said to friends and family. As the mother to a boy I feel it is my duty to raise a son that respects women of all sizes and understands that all bodies are beautiful.  I want my son to understand the images that he is bombarded with are not real. No one is flawless.  I want my son to question an image that looks perfect and understand women and men are not perfect in "real" life.  

     I explained to him that it is not that I do not like Photoshop. Photoshop can be used to create art or enhance a photograph.  What I do not like is that Photoshop is used to create flawless looking people. No one is flawless in life and looking at perfect people can make someone feel bad about how they look. I do not looking at ads that are lying to me with a Photoshopped model.  I could see the questions forming in his face. 

     I pulled a magazine from the recycling bin and showed him ads of women with perfect faces. I told him to look at my face when I smile, "See the lines that I get around my eyes? Now look at this model selling tooth paste. Where are the lines around her eyes? Smile like she is and feel around your eyes. Feel the wrinkles on your face. Wrinkles around the eyes are natural to everyone when they smile. Yet, this model doesn't have any? Seem odd to you?"  He nodded with wide eyes. I could see the veil beginning to lift off his eyes. Then I showed him the Dove commercial. He sat with his mouth open watching the transformation take place. 

     It is a rare moment in life when my child is quiet. We sat in silence for a few moments while he processed what he saw. Finally he turns to me and says, "I understand now why you do not like Photoshop." What he did next brought tears to my eyes. He got out of his chair and came to give me a hug. It was not just any hug; my little boy hugged me tight and stayed there for a few minutes. Finally he says, "I think you're beautiful and so does Dad. I hope everyone has someone to remind them they are beautiful." 

     My son gives me hope that I can teach him to not just accept the images he sees.  I believe the next generation should be taught that the images they see are lies. My son now understands why my magazines go in the recycling bin without me looking at them. He took it upon himself to toss one in the bin this week on my behalf.   My son sees me with no makeup, messy morning hair, and sweaty after my workouts.  A mother to a son is the most beautiful person he knows and I hope by showing him my realness as a human he will internalize the realness of women (and men).  

     While my son is young I am the role model for women to him. How I treat myself is how he will grow to view women. He is part of my motivation to maintain a healthy body, physically and mentally.  My wish is that I represent strength, intelligence, kindness, compassion, and class to him. My wish for my son is for him to grow up to value women for who they are and not base their beauty on the unrealistic physical lies brought about by Photoshop. 

Hugging My Hero Tess Munster (Again!)

     When I look around for body positive role models, I often come up short in the modeling/Hollywood world.  The cycle of fad diets promoted by celebrities talk about how much weight they lost or gained, and how a “thin, beautiful body” has taken these women to celebrity level. This leaves me feeling like I am not living up to this imaginary potential.  Enough is enough! No one has the power to make me feel inferior without my consent! (Thank you Eleanor Roosevelt.) Last year I put an end to my own self-esteem bashing. I now recycle all my magazines without opening them. No Photoshopped lies for me thank you. I set out on a mission to find women who help me feel beautiful in my own skin.  This is when I discovered Tess Munster. 

     Tess changed my life. When I first saw pictures of her I was in awe of her beauty; her body size was not a factor to me. She emulates confidence and beauty. I fell in love with her attitude and empowered belief that size has zero to do with someone's sexiness and/or beauty.  When Tess came to Las Vegas last year I went to hug the woman who helped me stop hating my body. Click here to read about my first time meeting Tess Munster.  

     This past Saturday I had the opportunity to see her again. My friend and I stood patiently waiting to have our few minutes to talk with this amazing woman who is breaking down size barriers!  The feeling of being in a room filled with people who all want to be accepted for who they are and are waiting to hug the woman who has helped them embrace their bodies is empowering.  Tess was incredibly gracious to every fan.  

     I was overjoyed that she remembered me. I was on cloud nine when she told me she follows my blog! Yes, Tess Munster follows my blog! I gave her a hug, took pictures, and tried my best to express how much I adore her without being creepy about it. She, as always, was an absolute doll.  

     Tess makes it okay to be the size that makes a person happy. Tess makes it okay to wear what makes a person feel beautiful. Tess makes it okay not to

subject yourself to unattainable beauty standards.  Tess makes it okay to not be perfect. I relate more to her than I do the Victoria Secret models. Tess does not make me feel bad about my body; instead, the confidence she has in herself is contagious and has helped me stand taller and embrace my body, cellulite and all! I am not the only person that feels this way.  Her fans standing in line varied in sizes, shapes, ages, and fashion interests. Tess is appealing to so many because she teaches acceptance of the body just as it is. 

Thank you Tess for giving women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and colors a body positive role model!! 

My 2nd Autographed photo from Tess. They hang in my bedroom as a reminder that ANY size is beautiful!

My Battle with Addiction

Teal is worn to represent PCOS awareness 

Since coming out of the PCOS closet I have been receiving emails from women with the same condition. Many of these women had not been informed by their doctors of the potential health risks PCOS contributes to our bodies. The majority, like myself, have been handed birth control to put their bodies back on a month to month schedule. I am not sure why doctors are not explaining the high risk for diabetes, heart attack, and stroke.  PCOS goes beyond a mustache; it can be life altering if not taken seriously.

Answered many of my questions

I have been putting in hours of research to have an understanding as to what my body is doing and what it needs. I checked out books from the library and read every legitimate doctor written article I could find online.  The information is out there and not hard to find. What I have found has been a resounding focus on the link between PCOS and Type 2 Diabetes, which can be fatal.  This was a huge slap in the face for me. I have written about being a sugar addict in a previous blog (click here to read about my battle with sugar).  It never occurred to me that I was putting myself at risk for diabetes; after all, that stuff only happens to really over weight people and I lost the weight I needed to to put myself back into a healthy bracket. I could not have been more wrong!

The biggest hurdle I had to get over was the idea of thin meaning healthy. There is such a focus in this country to reach and maintain a small size that, often times, the health risks to obtain that size are brushed under the rug. We are not praised for good health - we are praised for our physical size.  I wasn't paying attention to what my body needed to be healthy, all I was concerned with was maintaining my waist size.  This is where I had to take a real look at myself and what I was doing to maintain my size.  I had to stop lying to myself. I was maintaining my weight through deprivation.  Up until 2 months ago I was still abusing my body and had managed to rationalize it as the way I needed to eat to prevent weight gain.

The past two months have been a journey of self love.  I had to step outside myself and treat myself like a dear friend who had lost her way. This is when I started to educate myself on PCOS. I was motivated by my hair loss, I wanted to put a stop to it and maybe throw it in reverse.  The information I was obtaining was overwhelming and started to explain the battles I have been fighting with my body.  The sugar cravings have been explained in that PCOS causes insulin resistance which causes extreme highs and lows in blood sugar causing cravings for processed carbs and sugar. The body is trying to quick fix the imbalance of sugar. I was not having just any cravings; I have had cravings for sugar so bad in the past I have become a monster until I had a fork and cake in front of me.  Now I had to face reality and break this addiction.

My addiction to sugar was like that of a drug addict. I would binge behind closed doors. I could not stop, sometimes for days. I lied about binging and purging for years. The thought of breaking this cycle scared me. I seconded guessed myself over and over.  I can't live without sugar. All the fun foods have sugar. I will miss it too much.  I forced myself to go through the detox anyway. I braced my husband for the mood swings that could happen during this time. I braced him for what life would be like on the other side; no ice cream, no cake, no late night trips to Diary Queen, and the diet overhaul that would be taking place.

The detox was not fun or easy. I needed to break the habits I had formed over the years. The biggest being my bowl of ice cream every night. I had to tell myself it is the habit that is the hardest part and to stay strong. I had to be aware of what I was eating, reading all food labels for the hidden sugars that sneak into our foods with clever new names.  I ended up cutting out more than just junk food, out went the salad dressing, the peanut butter (I use 100% natural now, one ingredient-peanuts), the bottled sauces, white flour products, and much more. This has forced me to take control over the foods that come in the house.

Jumping head, I am on the other side of the detox and kitchen overhaul.  I have successfully cut sugar and learned to balance my blood sugar levels with healthy foods and not letting my body go hungry (letting the body go hungry can cause dips in blood sugar and for someone with PCOS this leads to craving for sugar that can then lead to diabetes). I eat more fresh vegetables and fruit than I did before the wake up call about my health.

This journey has not been about weight. I hid my scale a few months ago as part of my New Years resolution (click to read about my addiction to the number on the scale.).  I wanted to see if my body would change so I took out the smallest pants I own and took my before picture. Yesterday I took another a month later and was shocked. I have no clue the weight difference or even the inches. This lifestyle change isn't about any numbers. This just reinforces that the changes I have made are making my body happy.

I don't have a size goal. I am letting my body come to its own conclusion of where it is happiest. I have to eat for my health and for my health only.  The weight that comes off is because my body does not want it, not because I have dieted it off.

My journey with PCOS is changing my life as I take a mature look at my health and set aside my vanity. This world can not get rid of me that easy. I will show my body love and compassion. My body is only as strong as I make it and at this rate, I will be a rock of strength.

There's 2 Sides to Every Story. This is My Second Side.

I have only told one side to my weight/health story. I did not think I would need to share the other half. The other half that is embarrassing, extremely personal, and not what I want to be known for. I have reached a crossroad within my blog and realize that it is time to share the whole truth. As always, I am open, honest, and tend to over share.  

Ok, so here it goes....

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS, as it is more commonly known.  PCOS affects many aspects of a woman's body including but not limited to; facial hair, infrequent periods, weight gain, loss of hair, depression, anxiety, and infertility. I have it all. There is my truth. The other half of my story. Behind closed doors my body and I did not get along and it has been that way since 6th grade when the first sign of a mustache appeared.  

When I was first told that I had PCOS it meant nothing. It was just letters that were supposed to explain why I was the fat girl with a mustache and rarely had a period.  The hair loss, ridiculous sugar cravings (huge contributor to weight gain), infertility, depression, anxiety, and risk of diabetes, heart disease, and endometrial cancer where never explained to me by a doctor. I was handed birth control and out the door I went. I lived with my PCOS for years, not paying attention to it. I stopped taking birth control over time because I did not see the point. 

I learned how to get rid of the facial hair in high school. I have had my routine for almost 15 years now, it is my normal. Not having periods became my normal, and I actually thought I was lucky. Binge eating sugary high carb foods was normal for me. It was nothing for me to pack away an entire box of anything when no one was looking. PCOS is not what made me 300 pounds, though it contributed. PCOS is not why I lost 125 pounds, though it was a small concern at the time. I lost my weight because I was tired of not being comfortable in my skin. I wanted to stop the war with my body. I learned what I needed to do to get the weight off and keep it off.  I feel I have been lucky in that and when I have binged I have always managed to catch myself and get back on track before the buttons on my pants popped off. 

Engagement photo. The only picture found where my ponytail can be seen. 

It was not until I was 28 that the reality of what I have started to sink in. I had lost so much of my hair that I could not lie to myself anymore. The pathetic ponytail I clung to was driving me into depression. I remember the tear filled conversation I had with my stylist about needing to do something so that I can stop obsessing about my hair. So, with a few months to my wedding, my hair that was past my shoulders was chopped into my signature pixie cut.  At first I struggled with the harsh reality that I will never have thick flowing hair down my back. Long hair is feminine, it is what makes a woman who she is, or so I thought.   

Cut it all off to spare myself anymore heart ache. 

The worst part about cutting my hair so dramatically was the constant comments asking why I cut it and why did I not wait until after my wedding. I was honest every time explaining that I was losing my hair and that I didn't want to look at my wedding pictures and see something I will no longer have; long hair.  My answer caught people off guard and caused people to stop asking me why I was losing my hair, they just shut up. 

I am a few years into knowing that PCOS is the cause for so much of the struggles I have with my body. I thought I just had to live with the symptoms. This is who I am and how my body is going to be.  I was not given adequate information by doctors, just birth control pills and a sympathetic head tilt.  I thought I would always be a sugar addict, binge eating on cake until I was sick and always struggling with my weight.  Turns out I was wrong! I do not have to surrender to the effects of PCOS.  I have recently been educating myself about PCOS and have taken charge of my body. 

The websites and books have given me a wealth of information about how to take care of my body and have helped me to balance hormones, depression, and anxiety.  Over the past few weeks I have begun a private healing journey with my body and mind.  I have made changes in my diet, focusing on whole organic foods and little to no sugar. I have stopped eating desserts and refined carbohydrates.  I no longer eat potatoes. I have said goodbye to coffee (and finally the caffeine headaches)  and switched to green tea.  I do all this to help balance my body, help slow down the hair loss, and to feel the best I can feel. 

A few of my dietary changes have made their way on to my Facebook page and I realized that without explanation these posts look like a "diet" food post.  This is why I am talking about my PCOS and will be explaining my food choices openly from now on.  I have changed my diet to nurture my body and care for it. I am no longer at war with my body. I am listening to what my body needs in order to be its best.  It has taken many years to get to the point of appreciating my body and loving myself. 

There is no miracle cure. This is not a fix it band aid. This is my new life style. It began as a struggle, especially with the sugar cravings (I will write about the sugar withdraws in another post), and now has started to balance out for me. I feel strong and healthy now, much more than I ever did before. I am moving forward with a new understanding about my body. I have made peace with things that are out of my control. Life is too short to spend it angry at what cannot be changed.  

I have had to learn to embrace my body and mind. I have to be kind to myself and nourish myself with healthy foods and soul fulfilling activities.  The openness that I have with my journey will continue with a new understanding that the picture was only half revealed and what I do for my body is not always about my waist line. I am not ashamed anymore. I know I am not the only woman who deals with PCOS. I will no longer treat myself like a broken woman.