Sneaky Health: Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies

     After I swore off processed white sugar (click here to read about my sugar addiction) I went on a mission to find replacements to curb the sweet tooth and keep my PCOS in check. This journey of learning about how my body reacts to sugar has lead me to vegan dessert recipes.  I found that it is possible to have dessert AND nutrition all in one AND be family approved.  The eye rolling is less and less with every delicious recipe I make.  

    We made vegan chocolate chip cookies. Oil-free, nutritious, and delicious. They are so simple to make, with real food ingredients, that my 10 year old son made them all by himself. 

 Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies

3 mashed bananas (ripe)

1/3 cup apple sauce (unsweetened)
2 cups quick oats 
1/4 cup almond milk (unsweetened)
 1/2 cup raisins or chocolate chips 
        (if vegan use vegan chips)
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Bake for 15-20 minutes. 

   The house smelled like comfort food heaven! I had a small face smashed up against the oven window for 20 minutes anxiously waiting for his cookie magic.  The cooling could not go by fast enough. Oh my gosh, place a tray off these on the counter and watch the family swarm like bees.                                                                                                                                                               These cookies are Mom approved; both for family and waistlines. 

   
     Healthy doesn't have to mean giving up sweets. For me it meant finding an alternative route to fulfilling my cravings and still providing treats to my family. Real food with nutritional purpose disguised as chocolate chip cookies. 

100% Kid Approved Awesomeness!!! 

Book Review: My Little Dish

Book Review:

My Little Dish 

The Story of Your Creation Through In Vitro Fertilization

     Recently I saw an announcement on Facebook from a friend about the publication of her first book.  Excitement for my friend rose as I explored her posted link to learn more about her book.  I knew immediately this was not just any book, this book was written from a special place in her heart. Author, Sari Dennis, the inspiring woman behind My Wellness Counts, shared a private part of herself in her book in hopes to reach out to other women and families who share in the miracle. Sari wrote My Little Dish: The Story of Your Creation Through In Vitro Fertilization, a charming story of how a beautiful baby came to be with the help of in vitro fertilization. 

     I have previously shared my own struggles with infertility due to PCOS. This endearing book touched my heart. The love and care Sari put into this book is captured in the beautiful story of how one little girl came to be. Sari makes it a point to generalize the process of in vitro fertilization in her story, encouraging parents to customize the story to their own experience. She includes pages for parents to write down the journey they experienced and to add the details of how their special baby came to be. 

     This book is more than just the story of how the baby came to be; it is also a teaching guide. Sari includes a glossary of terms to aid the explanation of the medical language. This special touch makes this book a beautiful family tool. As children grow and ask questions, this book grows with the child. The story can be told simplistically, and later, the story can be deeper and more personal as the child grows in maturity and ability to understand. 

     I highly recommend this book to people that has expanded their family using IVF.  This is a fabulous book, a guide with colorful illustrations to be personalized and treasured for years. Please visit Sari's website to obtain a copy of this book for yourself or for a friend or family member.  

Giveaway for Hope UPDATE: WINNER ANNOUNCED!

     Recently I opened up about my struggles with PCOS and infertility (click here to read the post). Neither of these topics is easy to talk about as it can feel like rubbing salt on a wound. However, since allowing myself to be vulnerable and honest I have had readers reach out to me to say thank you; Thank you for being a real woman behind this blog; Thank you for not sugar coating or pretending that my journey to find my healthy has been a walk in the park. When I opened up about my infertility, due to PCOS, I had a reader reach out to me and offer me a gift to help heal an aching heart.

     Crystal told me about her Esty shop, Fertility Gems (click here). She creates beautiful pieces specifically for women struggling with fertility and/or PCOS. She also sent me bracelet for PCOS. It represents holding onto hope - hope that there is always a way and to never give up. Her genuine thoughtfulness and compassion touched my heart. I share my stories to help other women know that they are not alone and Crystal reached out to say thank you.

   When my bracelet arrived it was lovingly packaged. 

This package was more than just the delivery of jewelry. It was the delivery of a hug from one woman to another. Crystal extends her love and compassion to women through her hand crafted jewelry and her work is beautiful.

     Although I have made peace with not having children, I still struggle with the symptoms of PCOS on a daily basis. PCOS is the reason I think about the food I eat, the importance of exercise, and the loving care I need to give my body and soul.  This beautiful bracelet is my reminder that I am not defined by PCOS. I have the power to allow it to make me or break me and I have learned over the years that I do not break easily.

     As women we do not break easily. We suffer in silence and go forward in our lives doing the best we can with smiles on our faces. Crystal and I would like to offer a token of hope to someone who needs to be reminded that PCOS and/or infertility does not define her self-worth. We have elected to give a beautiful hand crafted bracelet away! This giveaway comes from our hearts. It is                                                                                                     our way of extending the hug of support through                                                                                                       the mail.

The giveaway rules are simple:

1. Please Like both New Figure Forward (click here) AND Fertile Gems (click here) Facebook pages.

2. Like this post on New Figure Forward's Facebook page.
3.Please leave a comment under the posting of this blog on Facebook about what you love about yourself.

4. Tag a friend or family member that could use a hug through the mail and both you and your friend receive bonus entries.

That's all. Easy.

The contest will run for one week. The winner will be announced on Thursday, November 6th.

     Our goal is to help remind a deserving woman of the power of hope and never giving up. We cannot help everyone everywhere; however we can help someone somewhere. As one we are strong, as many we are unbreakable!

UPDATE: WINNER ANNOUNCED!
Thank you to all that entered. I was beyond moved by the stories that where shared with me. I wish I could make everyone a winner, but alas I cannot. HOWEVER, I CAN offer my readers a special discount if you would like to purchase this or other pieces of Crystal's work. Click here to be sent to the Esty store. At check out enter code: NFF5OFF and receive $5 off your purchase. 

Congratulations Krystal Earl McDonald!! You are the winner. Please private message me with your mailing information within 24 hours. 

Two Words That Are A Punch in the Gut. Every Time.

     

Not easy to write about. At all. 

      I had no intention of ever writing on the topic. It felt too personal and embarrassing. However, recently I have felt the universe pushing me expose a tender secret. Having already shared so much of myself with my readers, what is one more skeleton ripped out of my closet. I share because I know I am not alone and connecting with others who feel the same is what I need to truly heal.

     I have already spoken about having PCOS and the side effects. I have not spoken about the infertility part of PCOS. I have not shared what it feels like to be a broken woman.  I feel broken, like my box did not come with all the parts. There is a part of womanhood I will never experience and I admit I am jealous of those who do. Jealous so much that when someone tells me they are pregnant or I see a post on Facebook it feels like a punch to the gut; like many, many punches to the gut by an angry boxer going for blood.

     My husband has a 9 year old son from a previous marriage whom I have the joy of calling my son. I do get to be a mom and I love my step-son with all my heart but it's just not the same. I did not get to do the baby part; my step-son was 3 when I came in to the picture. A short time ago my husband and I came to terms with not having a baby together. A year or two ago my husband and I worked with fertility doctors and quickly found ourselves about to lose our savings and all future savings for a decade or two to cover the cost of a bunch of maybes. I never cried more in my life. I lost 125 pounds in hopes of fixing myself. I quit smoking. I made exercise a part of my daily life. Only to have it feels like it was all for nothing. Those months were extremely difficult for me, for us. My husband and I did come out on the other side, tear free and confident in our choice to no longer pursue a baby. It is a choice that I am content with. 97% of the time.

     We have lists of reasons why we tell ourselves we are ok with our situation. In an emergency we have been known to watch YouTube videos of screaming babies to help turn off the "I want a baby" feeling.  It works. I am able to swallow the empty feeling and continue on; I have no choice, and I refuse to be a victim of my situation. Recently, however, the universe has been making my ability to not think about babies very difficult. Facebook friends with adorable baby pictures, a pregnancy announcement from a family member, then several from friends. Back to back to back. It overwhelmed me and a few nights ago I found myself in uncontrollable tears.  I just could not stay strong any longer.

     I do not think about babies on a regular basis. It is not at the forefront of my thoughts, until someone tells me they are pregnant, and then the boxer comes out gunning for me. I have developed "happy baby face".  I know what to say and I might even jump up and down if the occasion calls for it. I am good at being excited for someone else. The only person who sees what I am truly feeling is my husband, who is always stronger than I with baby announcements. I do not begrudge my loved ones the joy of being pregnant, but sometimes I wish they could understand what it is like to know I will never get to say those words. No one will ever jump up and down for me and I'll never know that bond. 

My dog, Marty, is my heart. 

     The boxer leaves me alone most days, to rest in his corner, waiting for someone to announce a baby, and only then do I feel that punch in the gut. Only then do I scramble to YouTube to watch a video of a tantrum. Only then do I shed a few tears in private. Only then do I question all the rational choices I have made myself make many times now. I will not have a baby. I will be the best damn step-mom I can be. My husband loves me regardless. I will always baby talk to my dogs. I will spoil my family because they are my world. One day it will just be my husband and I and I am ok with that. Most days. 

     I cherish the time I have with my step-son, he and I are very close. I am Mom to him. I volunteer in his classroom, I cheer for him at soccer games, and use my spit on a tissue to get the schmutz off his face. I treat him no different than I would my own. I am blessed to have my family and I love them dearly. 

     I share this with you, my readers, because I know I am not alone and a reminder helps every now and then. If I am your reminder that you are not alone, I hope I help. When a woman cries for the loss of what never was, she does not cry alone. We are women and we are incredible. You are incredible. I am incredible. My, our, inability to create life does not take away from the love we show those around us. We matter to someone! 

Depression Tried. I'm Still Here!

      I struggle with depression. Depression is not easy to talk about. There is a stigma to it which can bring on shame. I was first diagnosed with depression in high school; however I know I struggled at an earlier age. I have experienced dark times over the years. I have closed myself off as a way to hope the world would forget me and my sadness would not affect those around me. I sought medical help.  For several years now, the majority of the time I have a handle on it. I eat right, I exercise, and I removed negative energy out of my life (where I could). I still have bumps in the road, however, it has been decades since I was plunged into the darkness. The clock starts over; I survived my summer of darkness.

     Skipping the personal details, the best description I can give is my world, my snow globe, was shaken. Hard. I found myself lost and ashamed. I found myself resorting back to old habits for comfort. I started gaining weight - fast. That plunged me even further into despair. When I had to buy bigger size pants this summer I found myself on the dressing room floor in tears. Not only was I struggling with events around me, but now I found I was not able to take care of myself. 

     

     I shut down. I stopped answering my phone, my blog slowed down, and I hid away as much as I could. The stress that started the spiral downward was getting better though the damage I had done to myself was not. I became unable to fit into my clothes. This hurt the most. I could hear things people said to me after I lost my weight; "If you gain weight again your husband will leave you," "If you gain weight no one will like you." Yes, these are things a few people in my life thought were appropriate to say to me and that's all I could hear in my head. I felt like I had failed, I blog about health and here I had tossed mine to the side. 

Wouldn't let depression win! 

     

     I did my damnedest to shake the 

depression off. I still put on my bathing suit and I swam in a pool with my son for the first time ever. I did not hate my body and even if my clothes do not fit, it was not my body's fault. I stopped eating healthy and exercising. I started sneaking junk food. I pushed my husband, who only wanted me to feel better, to take us to Sonic for shakes. I ate my way through my depression all summer long. When school started I had gained close to 

30 pounds in 3 months! 

     30 pounds in 3 months is a hard reality and one that I was not sure I should share. After all, my blog started as a way to discuss the afterlife of weight loss and here I had gained weight! My blog may have started out that way; however it has evolved into a body positive blog, fighting for the freedom to love our bodies just the way they are. It turns out that includes my body, even when I am not taking care of it. 

     The reality is that life happens and hard times will shake all our snow globes at some point in our lives. It is unrealistic to think we will be able to maintain our comfort zones forever. This is why I am sharing my story. I am not perfect. I ran screaming from the wagon and didn't look back. I ate my way into a bigger size, I had maintained my size for 7 years, putting on a bigger pair of pants felt like a punch to the gut. However, I have learned that the wagon is never going so fast that we cannot catch up to it and get back on. My skies are brighter and the darkness is fading. I am human and I will make mistakes. I am human and I will learn. I am human and I will get better.  

My soul's smile when a friend understood. 

      I opened up to a few friends and realized that I am not alone. For every person who hugged me and understood my tears I thank you. It is because of these souls that I share this with my readers. If you find yourself struggling, remember that it will not last forever and it is ok to talk about it. We tend to feel we are the only ones struggling and we are not. I did not fail because I gained weight. I did not fail because I stopped caring for myself. I failed because I suffered in silence for too long. Had I swallowed my shame and confided in a friend much sooner it may not have taken so long to recover. 

     It has been a few weeks now of slowly getting back into a routine of health.  I am finding myself again. I have returned to my gym classes, cleaned up my eating, and forgave myself. I will be my own best friend in this recovery process to getting back to my healthy. In the meantime I have to be patient as the weight comes off. I have to stand proud regardless of my pant size for greatness has no size requirement! To my readers, I will be honest with you along my journey and celebrate the good things. For example, today was the first day in three months that I ran and I felt like a million bucks! I'm still here! Maybe a little slower, maybe my gym clothes are a little tighter, but I'm still here!

My Hair Loss Exposed

      I am open about my hair loss due to PCOS. I used to have thick curly hair. I now have about a quarter of what I used to have. I tried to make my long hair last as long as I could but one day, I just could not look at the hair in my hands any more. I called my hair stylist, a trusted friend, who worked her magic and gave me my signature pixie cut.  

That was about 3 years ago. Since that time I have tried products to help my hair grow;

     I tried Rogaine for a year.  What a pain in the ass. Twice a day I had to put this liquid on my head and pray that it didn't run into my face or down my neck. With my hair being as thin as it is, any liquid on my head destroys my style and until I wash my hair there is no saving it.  I hated this stuff. It did nothing but remind me that my hair is falling out and I have no control over it. That purple bottle embarrassed me every day.  I was petrified of going bald. I still am.  When my supply was used up I didn't get more. In the year I used it nothing changed so I saved my money. 









     The next year I tried the Keranique Hair Care line. Nothing.  I used it religiously everyday for a year. I followed the directions to the letter. Nothing. I used the styling products that came with it. I used the scalp goo that is made to speed up the growth. Nothing. My scalp enjoyed the nice tingling feeling. That tingling feeling that makes you think something is happening. When I reached the end of the bottles my heart sank, this product was not my miracle cure. 







     After two years with no luck and a continuing loss of hair, I gave up on products to rub on my head.  I also decided I would try a wig during the goo experiments. I missed my long hair. I purchased a long layered wig that looked close to my old hair style. I wore it all day feeling pretty again.  When I got home I was overcome with embarrassment and ran into the bedroom and would not let my husband see me.  I eventually came out, tears streaming down my face.  Somewhere I had lost my feeling of pretty and just felt awkward. After a good ugly cry I concluded that I liked myself better with short hair.  The wig turned into therapy for making peace with my new look. The nonreturnable wig sits in my closet. It has been a long time since I have put it on. I use it for costumes and that is all. 

     
     The worst part about losing my hair is not losing the length; it is being able to see my scalp. Wind is not my friend. It would take me some time to perfect my style with products to cover my scalp, only to go outside and have it windblown to hell. I used to be incredibly self conscious until I found a Joan Rivers product.  This powder saved me. I randomly found it on QVC while channel surfing one day. I saw Joan Rivers and stopped, thinking What in the heck is she peddling on TV? I was meant to see her that day. This product covers my scalp, does not come off until I shampoo my hair (not even on my pillow case!!), and looks natural. I no longer obsess about my hair because with this powder I don't see my scalp.  

     My fear was having brown lines running down my face at the gym. Nope. I workout hard. I work up the sweat to prove it and have never once had the powder come off!! It's amazing I use it to fill in my eyebrows now.  It's about $45 and lasts me 2 months. WORTH EVERY PENNY!! 

     Most days I have made peace with my hair's fate. Since changing my diet and eating for my PCOS the hair lose has slowed down. On the days I cry and curse my hair I let myself get mad and cry. I feel better afterward. I am allowed to be angry; however I will not let myself stew in it.  I talk openly about it without shame. I am not able to control this, why should I be ashamed of it? 

     I was caught off guard when this picture popped up from the event I went to Monday night to promote my blog. My first reaction was embarrassment. I thought I would die. I wanted to contact the photographer and beg to have the picture taken down. I felt humiliated by my exposed scalp. I was mad at myself for not catching it before I left home. At first.

     I stared at myself in this picture. I stared at my truth. Before I could build up hateful inner monologue I made myself make a list of everything that is awesome about this picture. There is an educated driven woman in this picture. I am promoting my blog to spread awareness of PCOS and promote body positivity. For me to go out, by myself, and talk to strangers is not something I used to do. My passion overpowered my anxiety and I am extremely proud of myself for that.  I must practice what I preach; self love, kindness, and acceptance of what I cannot change. 

Time Is Not My Excuse

A comment was made to me regarding my ability to make healthy meals and desserts. The gist of the comment was that I have more time than most others so I can make healthy foods.

Time is an excuse and it is not mine. I live a life like everyone else. I keep a calendar to keep everything straight. Time is not the reason why I cook healthy food; MAKING the time is why I cook healthy foods! Keeping the right foods stocked in my kitchen is the  reason why I eat healthy. 

MAKING the time to educate myself about how to care for my body and PCOS. MAKING the time to find recipes. MAKING the time to go to the grocery store. We all go to the store. I am just picking out different items. I shop at regular grocery stores and maybe once a month will go to a Whole Foods. It take me no more time to make a sugar free chic pea cookie dough pie than it would a boxed cake mix.

It is NOT that I have more time. It is making the time a PRIORITY!

If I make eating healthy foods look easy it is because it is easy! When I shop I buy healthy items. When I cook, I cook these healthy items that I got in the store with the same amount of time as everyone else. I do not use time as an excuse. <3

A Truly Delicious Healthy Jam

What do you get when you mix fresh apricots and chia seeds? 

You get this....

Apricot Chia Seed Jam

I should also mention it is sugar free, no pectin, and omega 3's!! 

Some may be asking what are chia seeds? These sesame looking seeds pack a punch of nutritional benefits.  Click here to read about the benefits of chia seeds. This superfood is also highly recommend for women with PCOS as it helps to regulate sugar levels. Click here to read about how chia seeds help with PCOS.

I was given a bag of fresh from the tree apricots. I have chia seeds on hand. I had an idea. 

I'm making jam!

8 cups chopped apricots

3 cups coconut sugar

juice from 1 lemon (not pictured)

1 tbs cinnamon (optional)

1/2 cup chia seeds (add at the end)

Mix all ingredients into a big pot and heat on medium. Stir to mix well and prevent burning. The coconut sugar gives it a rich brown sugar look.  Let simmer for 30 minutes.

When time is up turn off the heat and stir in the chia seeds. I used an immersion blender to smooth out the jam.  As the jam cools it will continue to thicken. 

My house smelled amazing at this point and my husband started to hover.  Next step is to can the jam. I follow basic canning directions. 

Click here for canning directions.

The final result is a comfort food tasting jam that I cannot wait to top my oatmeal with in the morning. Zero guilt and many added health benefits.  This is a great way to get my family to eat "Mom's healthy foods" without them blinking an eye. 

I love knowing I have made good, healthy, nutritious food for my family. I have several jars on hand.  This jam can be used mixed in with oatmeal, on toast, crackers, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,....on a spoon! 

Enjoy!  

Remnants of a Binge

     I had a sobering moment in my car today. While I was poking around in my glove box I came across an old candy wrapper.  I sat holding it, having flashes of the me up until 3months ago. The sugar binger. The sugar hider. The sugar sneaker.  I would eat my candy in my car, usually within minutes of leaving the store.  I ate it quickly and I ate it all. A fleeting moment of bliss and then the guilt would beat down on me like a hammer.

     When I refer to sugar as my drug, I am not being cute. I mean it to my core. Sugar ruled my thoughts, sabotaged my healthy eating, and made me hate myself. I was addicted. I was a bitch when I wanted something sweet and couldn't find any. I would eat other things to try to curb the cravings; that never worked. When I would get what I wanted I would binge on it, including ODing on chocolate cake until I was sick. I am not the only one. I am not the only person who has found the only way to stop themselves from eating sugar is to pour salt, soap, or Windex on it.

     I had to come to terms with my addiction when it was seriously interfering with my health. If I did not quite sugar, it would be the thing that was going to make me very sick.  Women with PCOS are wired to crave sugar due to having insulin resistance. Drastic highs and lows in blood sugar can cause mood swings, cravings, weight gain, fatigue, and depression. The huge risk in feeding the craving for sugar is the high risk of diabetes, stoke, and heart disease.  I was walking a path of destruction. It did not matter that I was happy with the number of the scale and my pants still fit; on the inside I was destroying myself.  Reality check time.

     So, just like a drug addict or alcoholic, I asked for help with my addiction.  I found what I needed by way of support and understanding. I woke up one day and never touched sugar again.  The first week was horrible. I was a bitch. I was short with everyone and nothing would make me happy. I stayed strong, motivated by my own health and well being. All the research had sunk in and I wanted to be free from this poison. I detoxed from my drug of choice and I survived and no one died.

     I came out on the other side free from cravings and binge eating. I had made peace with my body. I promised to no longer abuse my body and to only care for it with loving thoughts and healthy foods. I found great dessert recipes that not only satisfy but are so much better than the junk I was eating prior to my change.  I have found myself happier and more stable in mood swings. I am happy with myself. I am proud of the adult I am working hard to become. I am not a victim of my addiction. I forgive my body for what it does with sugar due to my PCOS and now I make accommodations for my body and nourish myself.

 

Here are a few changes I made to break my bond with sugar:

-I do not eat anything with high fructose corn syrup

-No more white sugar, brown sugar, powdered sugar, cane sugar, and sucralose.

 -I read labels on EVERYTHING

      - if I cannot read what is in it, I do not eat it. No more franken foods!

-No more white flour and very little wheat flour

- More fruit and vegetables

- I found Chocolate Covered Katie (google her....you'll love her) for healthy desserts

-I use coconut sugar

-I drink lots of tea, all sorts of flavors. It's my new spurge at the store instead of candy.

-I had to make myself be ok with saying no to everyone. Family or friends. It is not personal. Sugar items to me are like putting drugs in front of a recovering drug user. I had to be ok with being open about why I am making the choices I make.

-I made connections online. PCOS websites filled with stories just like mine. I am not alone. That helps.

   

     The most important change I made was realizing this is about my health and well being.  Sugar will not be the thing that beats me! I eat for my health and not a number on a scale any more. Weight is not the whole picture of health.  I know I have to stay away from sugar. I have eaten it once since I stopped and I had a headache so bad I almost cried. That was all I needed to know! No cupcake is worth that kind of pain!

To read all about my sugar addiction click here
It is a very real addiction!

My Battle with Addiction

Teal is worn to represent PCOS awareness 

Since coming out of the PCOS closet I have been receiving emails from women with the same condition. Many of these women had not been informed by their doctors of the potential health risks PCOS contributes to our bodies. The majority, like myself, have been handed birth control to put their bodies back on a month to month schedule. I am not sure why doctors are not explaining the high risk for diabetes, heart attack, and stroke.  PCOS goes beyond a mustache; it can be life altering if not taken seriously.

Answered many of my questions

I have been putting in hours of research to have an understanding as to what my body is doing and what it needs. I checked out books from the library and read every legitimate doctor written article I could find online.  The information is out there and not hard to find. What I have found has been a resounding focus on the link between PCOS and Type 2 Diabetes, which can be fatal.  This was a huge slap in the face for me. I have written about being a sugar addict in a previous blog (click here to read about my battle with sugar).  It never occurred to me that I was putting myself at risk for diabetes; after all, that stuff only happens to really over weight people and I lost the weight I needed to to put myself back into a healthy bracket. I could not have been more wrong!

The biggest hurdle I had to get over was the idea of thin meaning healthy. There is such a focus in this country to reach and maintain a small size that, often times, the health risks to obtain that size are brushed under the rug. We are not praised for good health - we are praised for our physical size.  I wasn't paying attention to what my body needed to be healthy, all I was concerned with was maintaining my waist size.  This is where I had to take a real look at myself and what I was doing to maintain my size.  I had to stop lying to myself. I was maintaining my weight through deprivation.  Up until 2 months ago I was still abusing my body and had managed to rationalize it as the way I needed to eat to prevent weight gain.

The past two months have been a journey of self love.  I had to step outside myself and treat myself like a dear friend who had lost her way. This is when I started to educate myself on PCOS. I was motivated by my hair loss, I wanted to put a stop to it and maybe throw it in reverse.  The information I was obtaining was overwhelming and started to explain the battles I have been fighting with my body.  The sugar cravings have been explained in that PCOS causes insulin resistance which causes extreme highs and lows in blood sugar causing cravings for processed carbs and sugar. The body is trying to quick fix the imbalance of sugar. I was not having just any cravings; I have had cravings for sugar so bad in the past I have become a monster until I had a fork and cake in front of me.  Now I had to face reality and break this addiction.

My addiction to sugar was like that of a drug addict. I would binge behind closed doors. I could not stop, sometimes for days. I lied about binging and purging for years. The thought of breaking this cycle scared me. I seconded guessed myself over and over.  I can't live without sugar. All the fun foods have sugar. I will miss it too much.  I forced myself to go through the detox anyway. I braced my husband for the mood swings that could happen during this time. I braced him for what life would be like on the other side; no ice cream, no cake, no late night trips to Diary Queen, and the diet overhaul that would be taking place.

The detox was not fun or easy. I needed to break the habits I had formed over the years. The biggest being my bowl of ice cream every night. I had to tell myself it is the habit that is the hardest part and to stay strong. I had to be aware of what I was eating, reading all food labels for the hidden sugars that sneak into our foods with clever new names.  I ended up cutting out more than just junk food, out went the salad dressing, the peanut butter (I use 100% natural now, one ingredient-peanuts), the bottled sauces, white flour products, and much more. This has forced me to take control over the foods that come in the house.

Jumping head, I am on the other side of the detox and kitchen overhaul.  I have successfully cut sugar and learned to balance my blood sugar levels with healthy foods and not letting my body go hungry (letting the body go hungry can cause dips in blood sugar and for someone with PCOS this leads to craving for sugar that can then lead to diabetes). I eat more fresh vegetables and fruit than I did before the wake up call about my health.

This journey has not been about weight. I hid my scale a few months ago as part of my New Years resolution (click to read about my addiction to the number on the scale.).  I wanted to see if my body would change so I took out the smallest pants I own and took my before picture. Yesterday I took another a month later and was shocked. I have no clue the weight difference or even the inches. This lifestyle change isn't about any numbers. This just reinforces that the changes I have made are making my body happy.

I don't have a size goal. I am letting my body come to its own conclusion of where it is happiest. I have to eat for my health and for my health only.  The weight that comes off is because my body does not want it, not because I have dieted it off.

My journey with PCOS is changing my life as I take a mature look at my health and set aside my vanity. This world can not get rid of me that easy. I will show my body love and compassion. My body is only as strong as I make it and at this rate, I will be a rock of strength.

There's 2 Sides to Every Story. This is My Second Side.

I have only told one side to my weight/health story. I did not think I would need to share the other half. The other half that is embarrassing, extremely personal, and not what I want to be known for. I have reached a crossroad within my blog and realize that it is time to share the whole truth. As always, I am open, honest, and tend to over share.  

Ok, so here it goes....

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS, as it is more commonly known.  PCOS affects many aspects of a woman's body including but not limited to; facial hair, infrequent periods, weight gain, loss of hair, depression, anxiety, and infertility. I have it all. There is my truth. The other half of my story. Behind closed doors my body and I did not get along and it has been that way since 6th grade when the first sign of a mustache appeared.  

When I was first told that I had PCOS it meant nothing. It was just letters that were supposed to explain why I was the fat girl with a mustache and rarely had a period.  The hair loss, ridiculous sugar cravings (huge contributor to weight gain), infertility, depression, anxiety, and risk of diabetes, heart disease, and endometrial cancer where never explained to me by a doctor. I was handed birth control and out the door I went. I lived with my PCOS for years, not paying attention to it. I stopped taking birth control over time because I did not see the point. 

I learned how to get rid of the facial hair in high school. I have had my routine for almost 15 years now, it is my normal. Not having periods became my normal, and I actually thought I was lucky. Binge eating sugary high carb foods was normal for me. It was nothing for me to pack away an entire box of anything when no one was looking. PCOS is not what made me 300 pounds, though it contributed. PCOS is not why I lost 125 pounds, though it was a small concern at the time. I lost my weight because I was tired of not being comfortable in my skin. I wanted to stop the war with my body. I learned what I needed to do to get the weight off and keep it off.  I feel I have been lucky in that and when I have binged I have always managed to catch myself and get back on track before the buttons on my pants popped off. 

Engagement photo. The only picture found where my ponytail can be seen. 

It was not until I was 28 that the reality of what I have started to sink in. I had lost so much of my hair that I could not lie to myself anymore. The pathetic ponytail I clung to was driving me into depression. I remember the tear filled conversation I had with my stylist about needing to do something so that I can stop obsessing about my hair. So, with a few months to my wedding, my hair that was past my shoulders was chopped into my signature pixie cut.  At first I struggled with the harsh reality that I will never have thick flowing hair down my back. Long hair is feminine, it is what makes a woman who she is, or so I thought.   

Cut it all off to spare myself anymore heart ache. 

The worst part about cutting my hair so dramatically was the constant comments asking why I cut it and why did I not wait until after my wedding. I was honest every time explaining that I was losing my hair and that I didn't want to look at my wedding pictures and see something I will no longer have; long hair.  My answer caught people off guard and caused people to stop asking me why I was losing my hair, they just shut up. 

I am a few years into knowing that PCOS is the cause for so much of the struggles I have with my body. I thought I just had to live with the symptoms. This is who I am and how my body is going to be.  I was not given adequate information by doctors, just birth control pills and a sympathetic head tilt.  I thought I would always be a sugar addict, binge eating on cake until I was sick and always struggling with my weight.  Turns out I was wrong! I do not have to surrender to the effects of PCOS.  I have recently been educating myself about PCOS and have taken charge of my body. 

The websites and books have given me a wealth of information about how to take care of my body and have helped me to balance hormones, depression, and anxiety.  Over the past few weeks I have begun a private healing journey with my body and mind.  I have made changes in my diet, focusing on whole organic foods and little to no sugar. I have stopped eating desserts and refined carbohydrates.  I no longer eat potatoes. I have said goodbye to coffee (and finally the caffeine headaches)  and switched to green tea.  I do all this to help balance my body, help slow down the hair loss, and to feel the best I can feel. 

A few of my dietary changes have made their way on to my Facebook page and I realized that without explanation these posts look like a "diet" food post.  This is why I am talking about my PCOS and will be explaining my food choices openly from now on.  I have changed my diet to nurture my body and care for it. I am no longer at war with my body. I am listening to what my body needs in order to be its best.  It has taken many years to get to the point of appreciating my body and loving myself. 

There is no miracle cure. This is not a fix it band aid. This is my new life style. It began as a struggle, especially with the sugar cravings (I will write about the sugar withdraws in another post), and now has started to balance out for me. I feel strong and healthy now, much more than I ever did before. I am moving forward with a new understanding about my body. I have made peace with things that are out of my control. Life is too short to spend it angry at what cannot be changed.  

I have had to learn to embrace my body and mind. I have to be kind to myself and nourish myself with healthy foods and soul fulfilling activities.  The openness that I have with my journey will continue with a new understanding that the picture was only half revealed and what I do for my body is not always about my waist line. I am not ashamed anymore. I know I am not the only woman who deals with PCOS. I will no longer treat myself like a broken woman.