Be Stronger A Little Longer

I ignored persistent back pain, brushing it off as something that would go away, for well over a year. I mentioned my pain here and there in Instagram captions, talking about strengthening my spine and working through pain. At one point I even bought an inversion table and then later a yoga wheel, desperately seeking relief. Recently I have found my spinal mobility lessening and chronic pain, soreness, and stiffness my new normal. My quality of life was diminishing and so, hands in the air begging for mercy, I finally called my doctor. 

I'm in the middle of figuring out what is wrong with my body.  My doctor has unleashed the test administrators and it's my job to be the diligent student. I am checking off tests as quickly as I am able. I do not have a diagnoses yet, though I have been validated that something is wrong.  This is both a relief and a source of stress. 

My body is betraying me again. I already spent 16 months of my life healing from life changing obstacles. I have already walked this road. I thought I was done. Last year was hard, really f*#$ing hard and, somehow, I managed to emerge the best version of myself to date. Can we just leave it at that? Do I really have to prove I'm indestructible again?! 

I have overcome a great deal in the past few years. 2017 saw the end of the war with my body, the overcoming bulimia and disordered eating. In 2018 I took on hearing loss, the end of my training for the fire department, and persistent suicidal thoughts. 2019 was supposed to be the year I picked myself up and road off into the sunset of victory and personal growth. That is, however, not how the universe saw this playing out… apparently my journey to a new self isn't over yet. 

I have to be stronger a little longer. I have to make peace with these curve balls life likes to chuck at me, often apparently. My emotions are all over the place and while waiting for answers I have to live life. It took me several days to come up with how I am going to process this new chapter. I insist on finding the positive in every situation, it's the only way I know how to stay sane. It may take me some time to figure the bright side out but I always get there. Today I had my positive breakthroughs.

My Positives: 

1. I appreciate the universe allowing me to overcome one obstacle at a time. If I had been slammed with too much, after my struggles with depression, I don't think I would be standing today. 

2. I have become very in-tune with myself and my body over the past year. This is a powerful ability. To be able to hear my body and understand (to a certain extent) what it needs puts me several steps ahead. 

3. I turned to yoga as a form of self-care and now, when I need it more than ever, I do not have to start from scratch. I have a yoga practice that is part of my daily routine. Some adjustments to encourage spinal health are easy tweaks. 

4. Thankfully I am no longer at war with my body and,  while I have to physically slow down (hopefully just temporarily), I am not fighting diet culture demons screaming in my head. I can slow down and be at peace. (This might be the greatest positive of them all!)

While I take more tests and doctors figure out what is going on with me, I do it at peace. What is to be will be and I will continue to do my very best to live my best life. I needed a couple of days off social media while I let the roller coaster of emotions do what it does and now I am clear headed and able to continue on. I acknowledged I needed a break and gave myself one! (HUGE victory!!) I'll update when I have answers and in the meantime it will be back to business as usual, just a little slower and a bit more grumbling about being in pain. 

**Update September 25th, 2019**

I have completed all the tests I need in order to obtain a diagnoses; four MRI's, nerve and brain testing, and a spinal tap. I could potentially be waiting until early November for answers. All we know is I have white patches on my brain resulting in my brain sending destructive signals to my nerves. I have been given medication that is controlling my pain and gifted me much of my daily life back. I still have struggles and I take them on one day at a time. I will be keeping everyone updated when answers come in, no more secrets. 

The Power of Music

I am a suicide survivor (click here) and I have a story of hope and magic for anyone who needs it.

I have always been a person that believes in signs and the magic of the universe. Especially in my darkest hour, signs, whatever they maybe, would create teeny tiny sparks of hope. When I needed a giant sign last year, I discovered a song while on a random YouTube clicking spree. Little did I know just how much impact this song would have on my life. This song started out as my life saving anthem and became so much more!

Take a listen:
Alabama Shakes-Hold on
(I cannot begin to describe how incredibly refreshing Brittany Howard is for so many reasons! )

Or read the lyrics: Hold On Lyrics

I listened to this song on repeat from the first moment I heard it. It spoke to my soul. No, it was bigger than that...this song shook my soul. I found a gigantic spark of hope from the song Hold On, my sign from the universe, and I played it ALL THE TIME while putting up the greatest fight of my life. Sometimes Hold On would make me cry a detoxing soul purifying cry, and other times it would send a serge of soul shaking power right to my core. Whichever way my soul heard this song in the moment, when it played it helped me heal. I held on and I am still here! 

Why am I telling you this? 2019 came with an opportunity I could not pass up - a sponsored trip to Israel. Many times while on the trip I reflected on where I was a year ago, drowning in depression and planning to end my life. To then find myself in Israel a year to date later... nothing short of mind blowing. 

That would have been enough, only the universe had one more magic trick up its sleeve. While in Israel, in a small sandwich shop surrounded by beautiful desert I heard my song!!! I heard Hold On!! It sent my brain, heart, and soul into overdrive. I couldn't believe I was hearing Hold On on the other side of the world! After all, I had never even heard the song on the radio back home in Las Vegas! I felt weirdly alone and empowered by love all at the same time. No one in that coffee shop knew what was happening inside my head but I knew the universe could hear my screams of delight and shock. The moment inspired me to share my story with friends I had made on the trip. I've learned to share my journey because you never know who is listening and may need the hope. 

I struggle to put into words how insane that moment was for me. I was reminded that someone/something is aware of our individual journeys and takes an active interest in reminding us that we are not alone and to hold on. Call this entity what you will, I believe someone/something bigger than me wants to see me stay. Maybe, if you are reading this story, this is your sign. Always be open to seeing the signs! That is where the magic of our world lies! 

Surviving My Suicidal Thoughts

Every time I hear of an adult suicide I get very, very scared. It hits close to home. I'm afraid that their story could have been about me. I want to write about this subject yet I have sat on this blog for weeks, constantly questioning if I am doing the right thing by admitting suicidal thoughts. Carrie Fisher once said, "My liabilities are my assets. If you declare something it has less power over you, far less. Say your weak things in a strong voice." Carrie inspires me to grab my mental illness by its balls and show it who's boss. So here goes *In my strong voice* Hi, my name is Alyson, I am 36 years old, I have anxiety and depression, and I experience suicidal thoughts. 

Often we find our sense of hope from strength in others journeys, identifying with the struggle, inspired by the vulnerability and ability to overcome. I am nervous about sharing this dark corner of my closet because there is an unspoken taboo regarding depression and suicide. However, I realize that I HAVE to share my struggle because our society needs help in breaking down the shame of mental illness. People need survival stories, they need to know they are not alone. 

I can remember having suicidal thoughts as far back as elementary school. I remember being taught that suicide is the ultimate sin and that my soul would burn in hell for all eternity. Suicidal thoughts were sent from the devil, he wanted my soul. That's powerful stuff to a kid -  I was terrified of 'burning in hell'.  As I grew older though, the devil felt more like a fairytale villain and I needed something else to help me feel strong against the thoughts. 

My teenage years were volatile and lead to my first experience with planning my own emergency exit. I survived by pure stubborn 'I am not proving any of you douche bags right' mentality. I used to repeat to myself "the greatest revenge is success" and I found strength in my unknown future. Eventually, as a young adult, I accepted suicidal thoughts as part of my being. Always telling myself "here we go again" and succumbing to the roller coaster of the internal struggle and the external chaos. Depression and anxiety, when left to their own devises, are evil life hating forces. Forces that spread to the people around me; my behaviors effected the people I loved in ways I wish I could take back. 

In my 36 years there have been three times my life was in serious jeopardy. Depression and suicidal thoughts beat me down more than the usual expected torture, making me feel like the only way to obtain relief was to end my own life. Three times I had a plan. Three times I stood in front of the emergency exit door, ready to push it open. I AM STILL HERE so that means there were three times I didn't follow through. Three times something inside of me refused to give in. 

The most recent of these time was in January 2018. I got very sick and ended up losing partial hearing in my left ear. Going partially deaf meant I wasn't going to become a firefighter. I was broken and that ended my dream. A dream I had never worked so hard in my life for, it was just...gone. Depression is the ultimate opportunist and my complete loss of purpose made me an easy target. Of course depression doesn't want its victim right away, no, depression likes to play with its food first. Depression gave me a mask to cover the internal hostel take over. I wore this mask every day, playing the role of "ok".

I'm a wife and a mom. I have a life. I have others that count on me. I am supposed to be an adult so I dutifully put on my mask and went through the motions of life. Numb. Everyday an internal beat down. It was exhausting. That's what depression wants - to wear the person down. The weak are easy prey. This is when, what I call the dark hallway, appears. It's long and daunting. There are echoes of screams and crying. The ground is covered with broken glass. This hallway isn't meant to be walked through... that why there is the emergency exit door. I faced that hallway again.

I AM STILL HERE which means I was successful at beating intense suicidal thoughts for the third time. I emerged victorious after months of constant fear. How did I pull myself out this time? I like to think I have evolved past stubborn mentality or maybe, like the devil story, I need something else. I found my something else in an unusual post I saw online. I saw a video about drunk driving on New Years that said, "Your dog will not understand why you did not came home." That became the thought that drove me to not give up. My dog. The heart breaking feeling of my dog not understanding what happened to me made me sad enough that I couldn't do it. I felt like such a shitty person because it wasn't my family that was my driving thought. In truth, hang on to whatever inspires the will to live! No one is keeping score!

I had my motivation to fight yet another battle and I also wanted to be a success story. I had to make myself give a shit about ending this hostile takeover. I made myself heal. This meant MAKING myself do the things I knew would help me. Spin class, yoga, painting and drawing, meditation, oils, crystals, prayer, personal growth projects, and confiding in trusted friends and family. That last one took the most time. Letting go of my shame for my own sake was a large hurdle and, eventually, I jumped it. 

I have chosen to share my survivor story because we need them. People experiencing the same thoughts need to know they will survive. Depression is lonely and isolating. Depression attacks each victim differently. For some it drains the life out of them, making its hostile takeover known. For others it can make you play the greatest role of your life - being the most convincing happy person you have ever been. Neither of these victims are supposed to ask for help. One feels like the ultimate burden and the other has themself convinced they are surviving, they can make it. Mental health is slowly becoming a socially acceptable topic and it is about time. People's lives depend on our society eliminating the stigmas and giving people a safe space to get help. 

I am not here to tell anyone how to manage their depression. There is no linear path to mental freedom from the dark place.  Each of us has our own unique body chemistry, experiences, values, and beliefs. What works for one person is not the answer for someone else. The objective to sharing my struggle is to help someone who might be standing at the entry of that hallway of darkness and thinking that this time, maybe the emergency exit door might be easier. You are not your thoughts! You are not worthless or weak! That voice in your head is lying to you! It's important to know you are not alone. Suicidal thoughts plague more of us than we realize because not many people talk about it! We HAVE to talk about the victories over depression and suicide. There are others who fight and win every day. EVERY SINGLE DAY. You are one of those stories, a story of victory. I offer you the hope from my journey, use it as the elbow and knee pads you need to crawl out!

I will tell you that it is imperative that you take proactive measures to find what illuminates the dark place for you. Set yourself up for success. Begin a journey of self-awareness. Learn your triggers. Talk to your doctor. How much about depression do you truly understand? Do you have anxiety? Do you understand how the two work together and what you can do to prevent them teaming up? Have you explored exercise and nutrition as ways to manage brain chemistry? How much effort have you honestly put into managing your mental health struggles? 

I wish I had counted all the light bulb moments I had last year as I learned about myself and how my brain is wired. Life changing! I have been free from suicidal thoughts for several months now. I crawled out with a new purpose, to stop living in shame and to talk about mental health. I will be the loudest person you know telling you to go for a walk and reflect on yourself. Listen to your warning signals when they are soft beeps so that you won't have to hear the sirens go off when you hit rock bottom. I am diligent about my mental health routine. I am not ashamed to explain to anyone that I have depression and anxiety and because of that I need to set boundaries and have routines. I am unapologetically myself (I feel like somewhere in heaven Carrie Fisher just yelled "hell yeah!") and I encourage you do the same! 

I hold tight to the knowledge I am here for a reason and maybe that reason, right now, is to share my story. You will be another success story too! 

                           ________________________________________________________________________________________

If you are in need of help right now, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-273-8255) or text them at 741741. They are available 24 hours everyday. I called them and I AM STILL HERE! Screw shame, you are worth the effort!

Turns Out Stars Have Sharp Edges

The quote that inspired me to keep fighting for my peace 

"Shoot for the moon and if you fall, you will land among the stars."

When I shot for the moon, it was not the stars I landed in when I fell. No, instead the stars cut and scratched me as I plummeted to Earth. Then I bounced off mountains like a cartoon character until I landed in a bleeding heap on the hard ground. I laid there for a bit, ok for a while, but eventually I got back up. I got back up... that is the story I will be sharing! For every person who lost a dream (and maybe themselves) along the way, I am here to show you how I got back up stronger than ever and that life is always shaping us into better versions of ourselves if we are open to the journey!

So here goes, the story I lived to tell...

Two years ago I was inspired to become a firefighter. I lived and breathed for my goal. The first year I transformed my body into a machine and beyond losing weight, I had gained an insane amount of muscle and ability.  At one time I was busting out push ups with a 20 pound weighted vest on, crushing physical goals like I never imagined.  I went to school and became an Advanced EMT with an acceptance letter into Paramedic school. Everything was lining up; my plan unfolding right down to the last detail. I was a prime candidate for the fire department. Tests taken. I was living my dream, I had an intense sense of purpose. Only...

...that was as far as that dream would ever go.

During the second year several things steamrolled me: first, the price tag that came along with paramedic school was a kick to the gut; second my plantar fasciitis and heel spurs where working against me and my need to use my feet; and third I was mentally falling apart. I had been burning myself at both ends and eventually ran myself down into the ground. The stress of school had impacted my waistline and the fear of weight gain triggered my eating disorder to levels it had never been before. My reality was a dark one. In gunning for my dream I was destroying myself. I had to slow down for the sake of my health and wellness.

New plans where talked about so that my dream would just be put on pause while I got my head on straight. I put school on hold. I got help for my eating disorder. I began the difficult journey of putting myself back together. The most difficult part to the beginning was the shame, embarrassment, fear, and self-loathing I had inside. I was barely holding it together. Then it got worse.... 

January 2019 will mark one year that I have been partially deaf in my left ear. I lost my hearing! They don't hire deaf firefighters. So no matter how much I fixed myself and got back on track, I was never going to become the one thing I worked day and night to become. That moment of realizing my dream was over broke me. 

The beginning of 2018 felt like my life was in ruins. I was sick for months. Losing my hearing was a nightmare. The pain, the multiple doctors with no answers, the hanging on to hope, and the months of uncomfortable existence in my head was soul crushing. By my birthday in April everything had been set in stone... I had permanent hearing loss and all hope was gone. I was already deep into a depression and the finalization of my fate knocked me so far down that I felt my life was in jeopardy.

I put up the greatest fight of my life in 2018. In order to give myself the time to heal and face my demons head on, I did the only thing I could think to do - I bowed out of life for a while. I was too angry and confused to explain why the sudden screeching halt to a very public goal. The few times I crawled out of my hole I was slammed with questions and strong opinions. I just wanted to be left alone. In the beginning, no one knew the entire story expect for my husband. Eventually I opened up to a few, crying in the arms of people who had no clue what to tell me while they held onto me very tight. I didn't need speeches, I needed empathy- and to those with stronger shoulders than mine, I thank you!

The loss of a dream and my hearing wasn't anything I prepared to take on. The fight I had to put up was not easy. I discovered just how bad ass I truly am, and it had zero to do with my physical strength. I am a hell of a lot stronger mentally then I ever gave myself credit for. I struggled quietly everyday. I used Instagram as a diary of sharing my struggles, yet never mentioning just how deeply I was cut. I never talked about not becoming a firefighter. I couldn't. I still struggle to do so now (you should see pile of tissues forming by my computer as I type this all out!). If you happen to know me in real life, I warn you, mention this article to me and I may very well cry - so brace yourself.

I refused to give up and 2018 was the year I conquered my eating disorder, dove deep into understanding my struggles with binge eating, anxiety disorder and depression, and dug through layers of pain to unearth an inner peace like I have never known. In order to find this peace I had to create an environment for myself that inspired deep spiritual healing. I returned to parts of myself I had long since been buried in the layers of adulting. I turned to yoga. I turned to art. I lit incense and meditated with crystals. I smudged my house. I gave myself permission to just be and explore different ideas about life and purpose. I found myself becoming softer, more at ease with myself and those around me, and discovered a renewed sense of calm about life. I healed in ways I never anticipated. I had monumental break throughs. I see the meaning of life so very differently than I used too. This journey that I have been on, searching for new meaning, ended up being the very thing that gave me meaning. I survived relentless suicidal thoughts brought on by depression. I survived and THAT is the story that needs to be told!

I am a success story of overcoming the loss of purpose and meaning. I am a success story for ending my life long battle with bulimia. I am a success story for understanding my anxiety in ways that gave me back my power. I am a success story to ending the war with my body and finally allowing myself to live and enjoy what my body can do. I am a success story in overcoming a dark depression. I successfully hit the reset button on my life and every lesson learned needs to be shared. Not every sad story has a sad ending! 

Stay tuned to New Figure Forward in 2019 for more blogs, YouTube videos, and Instagram posts covering the accumulation of lessons that transformed my life and gave me back my purpose.

Lessons from a Student

Three Months of Evolution

Allow me to paint you a picture of what has happened since I opened up about my eating disorder. It's been like a slow motion movie run, middle fingers raised at attention, ripping off layers of oppression, shame, restriction, and self-harm. What I am finding underneath decades of a self-abused woman is a fighter, a woman determined to rise. A woman who is truly done with being made to feel inadequate and physically wrong. I am still a student of the recovery and healing process and have much more to learn.  I have, however, accumulated a few life changing lessons thus far and, in an ongoing effort to help someone who may also be struggling with an eating disorder and/or has had enough of diet culture, I offer my lessons to help encourage freedom. 

Lesson One: Speak Your Truth
Recovering from diet culture and an eating disorder required me to acknowledge where I found myself. My first step was finding the courage to say the words out loud - to finally stop pretending and face my truth. I had to reach out to those I trusted and begin to confess. I had to open up without restrictions or fears. Letting go of the shame is pivotal in the recovery process. My strength would help another woman find her strength and that helped me face my fear and acknowledge my reality.

Lesson Two: Identify Triggers
Once the words were out in the universe I had to become responsible for them. I had to be proactive about putting an end to self-harming actions. My next step became identifying my triggers. Why was I so immersed in diet culture and terrified of food? These messages where coming from somewhere and I actively hunted them down. The following are key triggers I found that kept me deep in self-abuse and diet culture:

            1. Number Triggers: Good-bye scale, measuring tape, pedometer, calorie counter, heart rate monitor, and constant logging of everything I did. Good-bye to the need to be validated by numbers. They overtook my life and robbed me of a carefree mentality to my health and wellness.

             2. Social Media Triggers: I followed a ton of dieters on social media and I belonged to weight loss and fitness groups. What started as a way to stay motivated gradually fed my obsession with dieting and being skinny. I was, daily, comparing myself to others and feeling the competition and comparison pressure. My health and wellness took a backseat to my need to get skinny and be a better dieter than someone else. Once I was able to see the toxic online environment I had created for myself it was time to clean house! I left groups and I unfollowed accounts that focused on diet culture. No more pictures of someone else's scale or food. No more before and after picture. No more comparison. 

             3. Food Triggers: Food and I have a messy history. At a very early age I turned to food for emotional support. Add on PCOS, plus the body chemistry challenges this brings with it... it was a recipe for disaster. I had to look at food from the perspective of a drug addict. Would a recovering drug addict allow pictures of their drug of choice to infiltrate their social media feeds? Not the self-aware ones. So adios pictures of food, videos of two hands making recipes, junk food videos, and the constant reminder that I struggle with food. I stopped all accounts that kept images of food in my feed (that included some friends and family). I stopped taking pictures of my own food. This was a huge relief! The removal of food approval set me free to eat without the fear of judgement or guilt for eating something that didn't fit into my projected eating habits.

             4. Environmental Triggers: Reflecting on when binge eating urges typically could appear in my day. Once I could recognize a specific person, place, or thing, I was able to create alternative reactions and, over time, rewire my subconscious to no longer reach for food as a coping mechanism.  For example, I discovered my teenage son could often times be a trigger. I found myself mindlessly eating around the time he was expected to come home. With the help of my wellness coach, Ren Jones of Fitness Jones Training, we concluded that the transitional period from one time of my day into the next has often proven to raise my stress, which in turn caused me to binge eat. At the acknowledgment of the self-destructive behavior, I decided to try quick 10-20 minute yoga sessions instead. Gifting myself a small chunk of time to make a peaceful mental transition has greatly decreased my afternoon binges and helped me have more patience as a mother.

 Lesson Three: Stopping All Routines
Stopping routines caused anxiety in the beginning because dropping diet culture and ending my eating disorder potentially meant weight gain...and this terrified me. This is where my wellness coach stepped in and reminded me that we have to break down in order to rebuild. Ren gave me permission to just stop. Stop eating plans and fitness routines. He gave me permission to rebel. All the rules I had been following, the restrictions, and self-harm tactics that had consumed most of my life needed to be cut off. I had to be OK with being uncomfortable, for a little bit.

This step was the most pivotal of my recovery process. I had become so ingrained in diet culture that I lost sight of what habits I had integrated into my life to encourage health and wellness. I rediscovered these reasons after I saw a decline in my health because I allowed myself to act like an unsupervised child in a candy store (NO REGRETS!). I missed my period (an issue that can have detrimental effects on my body (PCOS)), saw an increase in body aches and pains, and felt depression hovering close. I had bottomed out and it was the best thing to happen to me. Bottoming out helped me understand what was health choices and what was diet culture choices. An example being my spin class; Initially it started as a great way to develop a strong cardiovascular system, enjoy a good sweat session, and help keep depression at bay. Overtime it evolved into a four day a week obsession that I refused to interrupt causing me lost time with friends and family. A healthy habit that turned self-destructive.   

Lesson Four: Listening to My Soul
I owed myself the freedom to be whoever I had been shutting away in the name of skinny. The biggest hurdle was shutting off the diet voice that overtook the majority of my daily thoughts. I look back and see an almost zombie like version of myself. She looked like me, she sounded like me, but she was consumed by diet culture. Self-reflection inspired me to dive back into forgotten passions to see if they felt right for my new chapter of inner peace and wellness. This has lead me in a journey of self-discovery that is showing me someone I really like. I really like myself. Finally.

The past three months have been an evolution of self that has been both exhausting and liberating. It has not been without its bumps and road blocks. I am happy to report I have not purged since coming out, however, I am still working on my binge eating habits. This is a journey, not a race. My life is worth whatever time it takes for me to find my peace. Your life is worth your time - to help you heal and find your peace. It looks so easy, written out in a nice list. This list doesn't show the tears, the anger, the moments of weakness followed by bouts of guilt, the mental fight that consumed me, and the constant desire to quit. It has felt overwhelming at times and some days felt like a success to have just survived. I am surviving, in fact, I am even beginning to thrive.

Patience. Self-reflection. Willingness to change. Refusal to give up. I am officially a diet industry dropout and my life gets better everyday because of it! Fight for your happy!

Reformed Dieter: Chapter One

Excuse me while I blow the dust off my blog...Has it really been over a year since I have written anything? Wow. I think it's time to go back to basics and relaunch this blog. Let's get caught up, shall we? I have recently made the decision to quit the diet industry. Yes, quit the diet industry. After having spent decades obsessed with my weight and size I have finally said fuck it! Am I going to spend my entire life trying to fit into some sort of deluded media based image of perfection? That seems like a waste of beautiful life if you ask me.

That was my driving force in reclaiming my life from the diet industry, I don't want to waste my life trying to achieve socially acceptable beauty. I found myself relapsing into my eating disorder, bulimia. It only came around every once in awhile so I never allowed myself to admit I had a problem. While I was fighting through this relapse I had the thought of all the conversations over weight, diet tricks, and eating habits I have had over the decades. Truly diet culture has been at the forefront of these conversations.

Weight has been an on going conversation in my life since 4th grade, when I first was placed in the obese category.  Fast forward to age 35 and I am a pro at weight loss. Oh yes, no one knows how to lose weight like I do. How fast do you want to do it? What lengths are you willing to go? What diet fits you? I could answer all those questions! Weight loss became my identity.

The ability to lose weight became my shining achievement. I was placed in a separate social box - the "Successful Dieter" box. Up the ladder I climbed as I seemingly became more successful at weight loss and managed to shrink myself down to a size 4. **autographs later** **No, No, please no pictures** I had reached the dieters Mt. Everest - Skinny! Do you know what's shitty about Mt. Everest? No one can live at the top and it's a long way back down!

So, as I slowly slide back down and gradually put on weight I became desperate to get back to the top. I didn't want to lose my shining achievement. I was going to be pushed off the dieters pedestal, and my fear of failure made me do some desperate dieting tricks. When I crashed at the bottom I crashed hard! It took out my confidence, my self-worth, and my spark. Everything felt like punishment. The joy was gone from daily life and what came in its place was shame and embarrassment. That's what broke me.

I am done with diet culture. I am done with killing myself to look a certain way. I am done with counting, weighing, obsessing, and punishing myself.  The diet industry broke me. I cannot do it any more. I am tired. I am 35 years old. I am done. I just want to be. I want to be whatever my healthy is, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to NEVER live in a diet obsessed world again. **drops mic**

I am currently working with a wellness coach who is helping me find balance, peace, and health in a slow, made for me program. Diet culture is ingrained in me. It is all I know. I do not know how to just be. Food, weight, size, and exercise is the hamster wheel in my head and I'm taking it apart with the help of a great coach.  New Figure Forward is going to continue on as my outlet for the journey that lies ahead. I have begun to use YouTube to capture videos of epiphanies as they happen, Instagram is my daily in the moment posts, and my blog will document the overview of it all.

CLICK HERE to watch my YouTube videos.

Personal evolution is truly a gift. We are not stuck as the same person forever. Yes, I am a changed woman. This once diet crazed woman is turning in her calorie counters, pedometers, scale, and measuring tape. Goodbye diet culture, hello peace of mind and a long glorious life of living healthy!

My Year with Jillian Michaels

      This time last year I was a week into Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred workout. I had regained 30 pounds three different times in one year. I'd get it off and it would come right back! While I feel like I looked amazing regardless, I did not feel good. My body felt heavy and my mind was beginning to feel the guilt and fear of weight gain. I had promised myself and my blog readers that I was going to wear a bikini in the name of self-love that summer and I was not going back on my word. Even if that meant I'd be wearing a bikini in a bigger body. What I could not have foreseen is the impact this decision would have on the rest of my life. 

Let me tell you about my year with Jillian Michaels. 

     I completed all 30 days of the workout and wore my bikini with pride. Those first 30 days showed me I wasn't breakable. Soreness is a temporary discomfort that yields pride and change. In 30 days I went from push ups on my knees to three real push ups. May not sound mind blowing, but it was just my Chapter 1. Everyone has a chapter one, a day one. I wore my bikini and felt like a million bucks. I do not know how much weight I lost because I never stood on the scale. If I made it about numbers, I knew it would diminish my self-pride and I was not about to hand that over without a fight. The pictures speak for themselves...it worked!


     I had no long term plan, I had a 30 day plan. I was thrilled with the results so I kept doing the workouts, rotating between levels two and three until I felt ready to move onto other Jillian workouts. I went month to month, never imagining I would do this for an entire year. Honestly, even I was waiting for me to quit in the back of my mind. That disbelief in myself is actually responsible for me not quitting. I began to enjoy my new physical abilities and I did not want to go back to my old ways...so much so that I vowed to stop quitting. When I say I vowed, I mean it in a biblical sense; I told myself from my soul that I would quit holding myself back. I wanted to see what not quitting would do for my body and mind. It's all documented on my Instagram account @newfigureforward, you can scroll from the very first workout to today's workout. 
   

 Jillian Michaels got into my head. Her workouts proved to me that with hard work, transformation is possible. My body is proof. Her empowering words proved to me that I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for in life. My mind is proof. It's hard not to change after hearing messages of how incredibly awesome I am and how I should be proud of the work I am doing. Jillian made me feel good in my mind. She got into my head and beat down the negative voices that tortured me since fourth grade. Within a few months of daily workouts (most no more than 30 minutes), Jillian had me believing I was badass. I cannot put in words what that feels like - to have come from a dark place of depression and obesity to a place that I believe I am truly capable of anything I set my mind to! I felt reborn. 

     My love for Jillian, I thought, was something only I had. Oh how wrong I was! Facebook can be an amazing tool to connect people to other like minded souls. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a whole group of Jillian lovers called Jillian Michaels Workout Junkies, a private group open only to women that supports each other. Thousands of women from all over the world encouraging each other to keep pushing and smash goals. This group helped me no longer feel alone, I had people who understood me instead of eye rolling and thinking I was nuts. The daily workout check in and supportive messages helped keep me focused. There is power in knowing someone gets you and I have thousands of Jillian fans that get me. It's amazing the positive power these amazing ladies have had on my journey! 

     About six months into my transformation I began to smile at myself in mirrors, have a little swag in my walk, and I liked myself. I continued to lose weight and became more and more athletic with each passing month. I had a huge reduction in my anxiety. Turns out that for me, the deep conviction that I am badass turned off my anxiety. With my new mental freedom I signed up for a Spartan Race and felt beyond proud of myself as I jumped the finish line fire. Jillian's words, heard 6 days a week, rewired me. I am not the same person. The person I was settled, floundered around, and got by. I had no passion or sense of purpose. I have gotten out of bed for the last four and half months with purpose.

     I have a goal. My reason to do what I do everyday. It's a different kind of life. I decided to go back to school, at 34, to follow my heart. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never had a passion. Then one day I figured it out and my heart caught fire. It's a different kind of life now. What I do now I do because someone in my future needs me to not give up. Someone will need help and I will be able to help them. I found my superpower...to not use it to help people is to waste it. I am strong, brave, and determined, all qualities needed for the next chapter in my life. I believe in myself because a lady named Jillian Michaels has told me to for the last 56 weeks of my life. It's a different kind of life now. 


     I wore a new bikini this summer, I lost 40 pounds over the year. I have an athletes body, 17% body fat. I am a badass. My training routine will change to accommodate my EMT certification schedule starting in late August. I will still have my daily sessions with Jillian, I need her to continue to whip me into shape. EMT training is only step one in pursuing my goal. You can follow my fitness journey on Instagram @newfigureforward. I post updates often of my achievements and goals. Reinvention is possible, I am proof! 

     That, folks, was my year with Jillian Michaels. I went in wanting my self-confidence back and discovered a badass! I quit quitting on myself and it changed my life. Jillian may not be for you, she's not for everyone, however be proactive about finding what you enjoy and do it! Do not quit! On days you don't want to, do it anyway. Half assing still counts. Quit quitting on yourself. The scale did not make a smooth drop down 40 pounds, it went up and down. The trick is keep doing it! Show up for yourself everyday and get addicted to personal pride. My sister once told me that you only get bragging rights after a workout if you finish it.
I still get my bragging rights.